It’s that time of year again (No, not your axe murdering second cousin Carl’s annual parole hearing, we mean it’s the season of giving). And added to the stresses of the holidays, is the burden of needing to buy meaningful gifts for your loved ones (Carl will not be getting a gift). To help you navigate through this treacherous sea of potential disappointment and lost Facebook friends, we here at Rabble Rouse The World want to help you streamline this process to ensure that everyone on your list gets exactly what they want. (Except Aunt Carly. For the last time, we have no pull with the producers of iCarly, and cannot get you a recurring role on the show. It’s awkward you keep asking).
The following list helps you break down the kinds of people in your life who made your nice list, and offers the perfect gift idea for each of them on your holiday shopping list.
Buying a gift for mothers can be tricky, due mostly to the simple fact that it’s very difficult to buy a gift that is in any way equal to the 9 months you spent shacked up in her lower abdomen, during which, she had to refrain from wine (we hope…although we’re pretty sure Carl’s mom did not make this sacrifice).
Our advice, don’t aim for the sky. Just settle on something simple that lets her know you love her, like a $15 gift card to Applebee’s (The Friendly Neighborhood Grill….not to be confused with TGI Friday’s, The Aggressively Unfriendly Grill).
You can buy an Applebee’s gift certificate by clicking right here.
Did you purchase the gift certificate? Great, that is totally an acceptable present for your mother. Your own mother. I am sure this will lead to no repercussions whatsoever. Ready to move on?
Are you kidding me? No, you are not ready to move on. This was a test and you failed. It just demonstrates what we already knew: you are in no way qualified to buy gifts for your loved ones. You’re lucky you even have loved ones and not ones-who-used-to-love-you-but-got-tired-of-being-burned-year-after-year-by-your-inconsiderate-and-borderline-insulting Christmas presents. They’re giving you one last chance, do not blow this. So instead of starting with your mother, the most important person on your list, let’s try some gift giving that approaches your novice skill level before we just dive right into the advanced stages.
Before we start, quick question, do you have any intention whatsoever of paying your brother Tim the $750 he lent you to start your ill fated Ostrich Breeding program three years ago? If not, any ostrich themed gifts are going to strike a nerve you don’t want to touch again. Actually any bird related gift will probably not get the reaction you want from a Christmas gift (unless “punch in the face” is your intended gift reaction).
Siblings want a gift that let’s them know you know them. Based on on their interests here is the perfect checklist:
- Karate? Get him some boards.
- Cooking? The slap chop.
- Balloon Animals? Balloons (do not become confused and get him animals).
- Scuba Diving? Get him some air.
- Dinosaurs? Jurassic Park DVD. If you don’t like them too much, Jurassic Park 2 or 3 DVD.
- Cowboys? I don’t know…a Garth Brooks CD? Why does your brother like Cowboys?
- Heroin? Get her nothing. She’s on the naughty list.
If your boyfriend happens to be us, we recommend that you get him something really expensive. Guys (us) really enjoy things like H2 Humvees, plasma screen televisions and more girlfriends.
If your boyfriend is not us, we recommend you get him nothing. What more does he need? I mean, come on, he already has you. If he thinks differently then you explain to him that he gets nothing. If he yells or breaks ornaments, or looks like he wants to yell or break ornaments, we don’t think he’s right for you. He is shallow and you deserve someone better, like us. So please don’t hesitate to email us your phone number. We just want you to know, we’re here for you if you need someone to talk to after your boyfriend smashes all the ornaments.
If you have only been dating her a few months, you don’t want to get her (despite what she says) diamonds or rings. What are you thinking? You’re going to go from the kiddy pool to the high dive? In the beginning stages, girlfriends are like whitetail deer, one false move, one loud noise, and they’ll run away into the woods never to be seen again. Trust us, most of our relationships end with our girlfriends getting “lost in the woods.” (PS, don’t ever say this to the police; they don’t understand it’s a metaphor.)
But if you’ve been with her for some time, you should probably get her exactly what she says she wants. We know, we know, women rarely mean what they say (or say what they mean). But when it comes to gifts, it would be relationship suicide to get her anything else. When it comes to girlfriends, Christmas isn’t the time to go off script. Whatever she says she wants is what she wants. It’s a rare (possibly the only) moment, when you can be completely certain that you understand her.
Wait a second….unless we’re misreading this. Women? Are we misreading this? OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE US A STRAIGHT ANSWER FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES! Fine, is this what you want for Christmas?!?! Us to lose our frickin’ minds!? Fine. You got your wish. Are you happy now!?! You’re not? What a surprise! That’s it…we can’t take this anymore. Your getting bunny slippers. If you don’t like it, tough cookies. Wait, do you want cookies? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Does anyone else smell burnt toast?
For Everyone Else in Your Life
- Your boss: Most things, but the book “How to be a Great Lover”
- Hobos: Most of the hobos I know seem to love change. So get them change. (Quarters if your budget allows). Also, quite a few seem to like malt-liquor if you want to splurge on a forty.
- Friendly Alien Invaders: Bob Marley’s hit single “One Love”.
- Unfriendly Alien Invaders: AIDS (but they’ll probably only accept it if you bake it into cupcakes [even better: AIDS cupcakes with an alien face drawn with frosting on top]
- Santa: Some sort of exercise program or gym membership. He’s not going to be around much longer if he doesn’t change his lifestyle.
- Hobbits: Low Difficulty: Footstool. High Difficulty: The One Ring.
- Batman: Counseling
- Tyler Durden: It’s not so much a gift, but just continue not talking about Fight Club
- Robin Hood: A gun. What’s more important? Image or effectiveness?
- The Band “The Darkness”: Definitive proof of a thing called love
Your Mother (Part II)
Hopefully, by this point you feel ready to try again, and get your mother the gift she’s always wanted. This may come as a shock to you, but she doesn’t want anything you can buy in a store, anything that can be ordered online, or anything that can be easily removed from your neighbor’s house who constantly leave their door unlocked. All your mom, the person who gave you life, really wants is for you to call more often. Maybe write a letter now and then. Send her a card on Mother’s Day. And try your best to be the best person you can.
Failing that, she would also probably accept an iPod Touch.