Yawning news anchors and tired-sounding radio announcers proclaimed languorously that this was officially the slowest news day on record, that the sale of Mel Gibson’s Malibu home was “old news,” that Tom Clancy’s death had been talked about as much as it could be talked about, and to not even get them started on the fucking government shutdown.
“Nothing happened today,” MSNBC host Chris Matthews said, folding his hands in front of him. “Zip. Nada. Diddly-squat. Fuck-all. The entire day is just one goddamned blank.
“I mean, it’s everything, across the board,” a rather sleepy Christiane Amanpour said, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. “Not a single mother-humping thing happened all day. Sports, politics, culture, crime, even the goddamn weather—everybody seems to have taken the day off.”
“Shit,” Amanpour added.
Sources confirmed that the nation spent most of its Wednesday sitting inside, watching TV dramas, snacking on that half-finished bag of nacho-cheese Doritos and avoiding doing anything that seemed like work, including going out for a carton of milk, trying that new dumpling place down the street, or finishing the novel manuscript.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stated Davan Maharaj, news editor at the Los Angeles Times. “We had nothing to do. The whole editorial and reporting staff just sort of sat around the newsroom and chucked wads of crumpled-up paper at wastebaskets. I mean, we kept our ears to the ground, believe me. But all we heard was that Lemony Snicket had deviated his septum and a couple of Shriners were involved in a dust-up at a bingo club in Irvine. Didn’t really seem fit to print, if you know what I mean.”
“Gawd, what a drag,” Maharaj added.
A Rasmussen poll showed that 28% of Americans did jack-squat all day. Nineteen percent sat down and twiddled their thumbs. Thirteen percent said they’d get to everything tomorrow, and a whopping 32% frittered the day away.
Ten percent of Americans tried to “get a little something done,” such as meeting up with the guys for darts or reading the next chapter of Anna Karenina, but ultimately their efforts “didn’t amount to much.” Five percent promised that they might play a game with the kids after dinner, as long as that new episode of Castle isn’t on.
The final 3% declined to participate in the poll, saying “I’m just going to take it easy today.”
“It’s fucking Wednesday, goddamnit,” several added.
At press time, news had come over the wire that a man had set himself on fire on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., but the Los Angeles Times staff were unimpressed.
“Sure, we’ll get right on that,” Davan Maharaj stated. “As soon as Marla proves she can land a three-pointer with a wadded-up copy of Cosmo.”