My friend Mandy was born on the 4th of July. As a kid, she enjoyed the excitement of barbeques and fireworks that were “just for her.” But now that she’s a big girl, she knows the truth and is doomed to compete with Lady Liberty for a little attention. Each year she struggles to wrangle the crew together for her annual pub crawl since most of them have prior engagements, seeing that it is 4th of July and all. Poor Mandy. Her mother obviously didn’t care enough about her future child to do a little planning.
So, for the rest of you, I’ve developed a rundown of days not to have a baby. Simply select the day you’d like to avoid, count back 40 weeks (about how long it takes to cook a baby) and don’t get knocked up anywhere near that time frame. Seriously, close up shop. It only takes one little mistake to make a baby on the wrong day and thereby curse your future offspring with a lifetime of shit birthdays.
For Christians: Do not have a baby on or near December 25. This birthday is already claimed. By Jesus. And, yeah, you can do that “half-birthday” crap, but it isn’t the same and you know it. Nor should you try and lump your kid’s birthday presents in with their Christmas presents. Unless you want your kid to hate you. And Jesus.
For Jews: Do not have a baby on April 20. This is Hitler’s birthday. Nuff said.
For Muslims: Do not have a baby on September 11. Your kid will be forced to keep their public celebrations quiet as not to draw attention from those who are programmed from birth to be suspicious of you, especially when you yell “Happy birthday!” loudly in Arabic, which to them will be translated as “Death to America!” You know, because they’re stupid.
For those who want a boy: Do not have a boy on February 14. Your son will spend all of his adult birthdays in horse carriages and balloon-filled restaurants instead of at the strip club where he really wants to be.
For those who want a girl: Do not have a girl on February 14. This day is already filled with an unnatural expectation to be doted on by men and will inevitably lead to disappointment and self-loathing. Add a birthday to this mix and your daughter will spend each of her birthdays hopelessly drunk. At the strip club.
For those who want to have the next great athlete, ballerina, pageant queen, etc.: Do not have a baby, ever. Your child is not a ball of clay you can mold into all the things you never became. Your son will not be the next Brett Favre or the next Michael Jordan. And your daughter will not be the first female president. Mine will. Her name is Emmalyn. She is kind, smart and assertive and due sometime in March. 2017.