What is Ello?

New Social Network Ello

“But what is Ello?” you ask when the barroom table erupts into witticisms about it.

What is Ello?” ask Catee, laughing into her neat scotch. Everyone at your table starts giggling and, ashamed, you grab your pack of American Spirit rolling tobacco and run out into the night to catch the L train, vowing to never drink with such a giggling pile of people ever again.

Now that you’ve lost all your friends, you should at least know what it was over. So what is Ello? Who is on Ello? Should you be on Ello?

Once a year a committee of tech writers emerge from their various caves to meet in the meadow where they enjoy a single day of sunlight and decide which new upstart they are going to predict will topple Facebook. This year, it is the advertisement free Ello that was nominated to be the death of Facebook. The tech writers then wrote series of articles about how Ello was a “Facebook” killer. Then, the next week, they wrote a series of articles about how Ello is “no facebook killer.” 

Okay, but what is Ello?

Ello was started by Europeans, so people are very polite. It’s invite only, so you have to be cool to be on it. Or you could be totally uncool and buy an Ello invite on eBay. No one is really sure how to use Ello or why they are there. But everyone is excited to be on it. Exclamation points are used after every sentence on Ello.

No one actually knows who their friends are on Ello, so everyone hopes their presence will lead their painting, photography, writing, or custom muffin leggings to be discovered.


A lot of people have begun to realize just how much time they waste on Facebook, so they’ve decided to waste it on Ello instead.

When the tech writers from the cave started writing about how they were sick of Facebook making a profit from by selling people ads relevant to their interests, they took actions, and began joining Ello to spurn Facebook. They plan to continue to spurn Facebook for a time, before deciding that ultimately nothing is happening on Ello, and they missed their friends, so they called them up and said, “Hey sorry about storming out of the bar last night. I was confused and felt left out because I didn’t know what Ello was. Want to drink bourbon, smoke spliffs and listen to a Neil Young record and talk about Ello?”

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Oh Luke Maguire Armstrong knows the Muffin Man. Oh yes, he knows the Muffin man. Luke is an author/musician, raccoon survivor, who has done educational development work in Central America, The Bronx, and Kenya. His work to battle infant malnutrition was featured on ABC News 20/20. He has never fought a bear and is the author of four books, including "How We Are Human" and "iPoems for the Dolphins to Click Home About." Read his bullshit at TravelWriteSing.com or follow him @LukeSpartacus and he will sing you songs. 

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