PYONGYANG—Stating that he felt “disturbed” and “insecure” about the results of North Korea’s parliamentary elections last weekend, Kim Jong-un took to the floor of the Supreme People’s Assembly yesterday to voice his concerns to the ruling Worker’s Party.
“We have won a decisive victory for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,” Kim stated from the gilt-draped lectern to the unanimous applause of key members of the assembly and the Presidium. “My election as Supreme Leader reflects the unanimous will of the people and clearly demonstrates the great love they have for me and my policies. However, this triumph must be tempered with a word of caution: the election was closer than it’s ever been this year, and I foresee a hard fight ahead of us if we wish to remain in a democratic majority during the next election cycle in 2019.”
Kim’s fears are not ill-founded. This year’s election results confirm his and his party’s worst nightmare: a loss of prominence in the national assembly. Kim and the Worker’s Party scraped by with a mere 52% of the popular vote. A full 27% went to Kim Jong-un of the Social Democratic Party; Kim Jong-un of the Chondoist Chongdu Party nabbed a further 12%; and Kim Jong-un of the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland won the final 9%.
Decisive though Kim’s victory in 2014 undoubtedly was, the margin was slimmer this year than in any other, setting a dangerous precedent for future elections in the Hermit Kingdom. Adding to this month’s election frustrations, Kim’s opponents have vowed not to go gently into that good power outage.
“I demand a recount,” stated Kim Jong-un to a cheering crowd of key Social Democratic Party members at their headquarters in Pyongyang. “In my opinion, the outré policies of the Kim regime have held sway on the upper peninsula for far too long. During [incumbent] Kim’s brief time in office, we’ve witnessed the Supreme Leader conduct a laughably unsuccessful orbital rocket launch, trade nuclear threats with the United States, threaten to blow Baengnyeong Island off the map, conduct a missile-launch test in the vicinity of civilian air traffic, purge many of his key advisors, pal around with that hoodlum Dennis Rodman, and generally continue the outdated practices of his forebears, such as public executions, extrajudicial killings, persecution of racial, ethnic and religious minorities and other assorted ass-hattery.”
“It’s high time for a change,” Kim concluded, to the widespread cheers of the assembled SDP. “A change such as only I can bring to the table.”
“Fear not, fellow citizens of the glorious DPRK!” shouted Kim Jong-un, speaking to a gaunt, hollow-eyed crowd of DFRF supporters from a shabby lectern hastily erected in front of Pyongyang’s derelict Ryugyong Hotel. “This is but a momentary setback. We have a long and arduous five years ahead in which we shall prepare to sweep our great nation’s elections and oust the ineffectual Kim Jong-un from office. I promise you, should I be elected in 2019, that I shall conduct a laughably unsuccessful orbital rocket launch, trade nuclear threats with the United States, threaten to blow Baengnyeong Island off the map, conduct a missile-launch test in the vicinity of civilian air traffic, purge many of my key advisors, pal around with that hoodlum Dennis Rodman, and generally continue the outdated practices of my forebears!”
Voters across North Korea expressed renewed confidence in the newly-elected Kim and the Worker’s Party.
“The choice was clear in this election year,” stated Jeong Mi-hee, a forewoman at a vinalon factory in Hamhung. “The Worker’s Party is the safest choice. It espouses the values which all North Korean citizens believe in, and will continue to believe in until the bitter end.”
“The bitter end,” Jeong added, her stomach growling audibly.
Other citizens of the DPRK remained wary of the so-called “outliers” in this election cycle.
“Everybody knows that it’s a waste of time to vote for a second party,” stated Ryu Dong-gyu of Chongjin, Hamgyong Province. “It’s a well-known fact. It’s much safer to vote for an established party with a proven track record than side with the wackos out on the fringe.”
“Especially that freak Kim Jong-un of the DFRF,” Ryu added with a grimace. “I really don’t the stuff he talks about. I’d much rather stick with what I know, thank you very much.”
Back in Pyongyang, the victorious Kim Jong-un concluded his speech on the floor of the Supreme People’s Assembly with a dire warning.
“And so, fellow party members,” he said, wiping his sweaty forehead, “there is a second Arduous March ahead of us. We must pull together over the next five years to consolidate our position and assure absolute victory in the next election.”
“If we don’t,” he added, shuddering visibly, “somebody like Kim Jong-un might get into office. And goodness knows we wouldn’t want that to happen