Utter Neanderthal Uses Map


BURBANK, CA – The world watched in stunned disbelief on Thursday as an utterly backward human being used a compass and a map to find his destination instead of a GPS system.

Timothy Lauer, 32, of Ventura, California, was spotted walking down First Street with an honest-to-God compass and what appeared to be a tourist map of the Los Angeles area in his hands.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes,” said Melissa Burkhart, 24, of Ontario. “I looked up and there he was, strolling slowly down the sidewalk. He had the compass in one hand and was squinting at it. In his other hand he had the map—a freaking map! Made of trees! What a troglodyte!”

The incredible scene unfolded at midday when Lauer left his workplace at Pacific Shipping and began a quarter-mile walk to a nearby restaurant for lunch. Lauer, unfamiliar with the route, retrieved the outdated, useless implements from his desk drawer and stated that he was “going to find the Elephant Bar.” Peering alternately at the map and the compass, as though they could tell him something a for-shit’s-sake satellite couldn’t, he changed direction several times and finally settled on a route.

“It was like he was drunk,” stated Bobby Vance, 30, of Van Nuys. “He’d look at the compass, then at the map, then back at the compass again. Then he’d squint up at the sun and take off in an entirely new direction. It was as if he thought those fossils in his hands would actually help him get to his destination. I hope I never see something that crude again.”

Witnesses agreed that there was nothing out of the ordinary in Lauer’s appearance, apart from the fact that he was carrying “Stone-Age navigation tools.”

“He was perfectly normal-looking,” confirmed Anton Herschel, 32, from Upland. “He was wearing a light grey suit and a snazzy red tie. His wingtips had been recently polished, too. It was the stuff he was holding that threw me off. Imagine, a paper map and a compass! Who does he think he is, Christopher Columbus?”

According to informed sources, the primitive Lauer prefers “reliable methods” of navigation such as charts, astrolabes, compasses, globes, and other antediluvian tools to find his way, despite the fact that those things have been out of vogue for, like, 500 years. Lauer, 41, explains that things like GPS systems and smartphone apps are “just too unreliable” and insists on finding his way via “tried-and-true” methods, and yet somehow still claims to be an intelligent human being who walks upright, m’Gawd.

“Jesus Christ,” said Hugh McDonald, the inventor of the Global Positioning System. “Everybody knows that the Elephant Bar is 0.65 kilometers from the offices of the Pacific Shipping Company, and that you can get there easily if you turn left from Magnolia Boulevard and then take the next left on First Avenue North. There’s a convenient parking garage across the street, too. At least, you would know that if you’d fucking evolve into Homo sapiens already. But apparently it hasn’t dawned on this caveman that it’s the twenty-first century.”

Witnesses expressed shock and horror at the indescribable act.

“It was absolutely unbelievable,” said Christy Jensen, 27, of Long Beach. “Doesn’t he know how much time he could save if he switched to a portable GPS? Or even just used the navigation app on his goddamn phone? Oh wait, that Cro-Magnon probably doesn’t even have a smartphone. Yikes.”

Sources close to Lauer could understand using a map and compass to find one’s way to Griffith Observatory—there’s at least two ways to get in, and it’s up a goddamn mountain to boot—but employing them to find a nearby restaurant a quarter-mile down the road is just “primeval.”

“Wake up and smell the silicon, dude,” said Roy Benton, Lauer’s coworker of three years. “Time to put away the sextant and get on a 4G network. Nobody uses maps and compasses anymore, unless they’re…I don’t know, pirates or something. Or Boy Scouts.”

At press time, Lauer could be seen climbing into his car in the Pacific Shipping parking lot, holding a list of driving directions written in ink on a paper notepad, as if this could get any more ridiculous.


Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post graduated from North Dakota State University in December of 2007, when the weather was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick. He took his degree in journalism and put it to good use, penning sententious articles on his blog and works of short science fiction. In early 2012 he packed his bags and sought occupational asylum in the Republic of South Korea, where he lives in a ninth-floor apartment and works as an English teacher. He is a licensed pilot, a classically-trained bartender, and an unapologetic punster whose first novel is currently seeking a venue.