I’ve been a pretty frequent visitor of the Huffington Post over the past few years. It’s satisfies both my desire to remain informed about the daily goings-on in the world, as well as my desire to be a lazy asshole who can get all that information in one place. Their format isn’t that original, many sites like The Drudge Report (and others I could probably mention if I put any effort into researching this) have tried to set up a one-stop shop for slovenly Americans to stay updated on current events. That being said, I understand some of the criticisms leveled against HuffPo. Namely, that despite being a hugely profitable media website, they don’t pay any of their writers. But I guess when it comes down to it; my laziness trumps my moral indignation about the decline of American journalism.
However, lately, I’ve started to have a changing opinion on the Huffington Post. These new, strange feelings may be a little bit hard to describe, but here it goes: I may fucking hate that stupid fucking website. Not for any particular moral reason, just that it has completely descended into the worst type of tabloid nonsense and hyperbolic headlines imaginable. Maybe it was always this way, I don’t know. What I do know, is for a website that caters to lazy people, their stupid headlines tell me nothing about the content of the articles. Not only that, they tell me nothing in the most annoying way possible.
So, let’s go through someone of today’s most frustrating headlines and guess at what they have to offer! (All capitalization and punctuation are original to the headline. But if you have ever read The Huffington Post, you already knew that).
Kimye Spent $750,000 on WHAT?!
It’s always great when a website can tell me the news in the way the most annoying girl in middle school would. Also, I’m not sure what the hell a Kimye is, but, based on the accompanying picture of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, I assume it’s their celebrity hookup name. This is also a perfect example that HuffPo doesn’t understand how headlines work. Just fucking tell me what they bought. I mean, I assume it’s just something stupid that rich people buy, but that’s a lot of shock and indigation being expressed, HuffPo. Oh my god, maybe they’ve done something horrible with their money! Did they spend all that money on an elaborate baby fighting ring so their baby could fight other babies in an all-out death match!? How could you do that, Kimye!?
Actual Article Content: Some tabloid reported they spent the money on gold toilets; something stupid rich people would spend their money on. Extra fun, at the very bottom of the article, there’s an update that says this did not, in fact, happen.
Huge Ryan Gosling Rumor DENIED
I consider myself pretty informed, yet, somehow, I managed to stay blissfully unaware that there was a huge Ryan Gosling rumor out there. And now this, rumor, which by its very definition is basically something that it has no facts to back it up, has been denied. So many emotions in such a short time span! What was the rumor? Was he (not) gay? Was he (not) an alien? Did he (not) murder Dolly Parton in cold blood by dropping an anvil on her head? Why, Ryan Gosling? Why would you (not) do such a thing!? You were so good in “Drive.”
Actual Article Content: Ryan Gosling, who was never signed on to be in the new Star Wars movie, will not be in the new Star Wars movie.
9 Mistakes You’re Making With Chicken
Holy. Shit. How do you know what me, specifically is doing with chicken, HuffPo? Okay, I admit that hiding drumsticks around my house was a strange thing to do, but I don’t know if that’s really a “mistake.” It’s a little bizarre, but I purposely placed them in various nooks and crannies. I can’t even begin to think about the other eight mistakes I’ve been making? My chicken bone collage? Again, not a mistake, but an art project I put my heart and soul into. Also, for all you’re indignation at the NSA scandal, you have the balls to post on your website all the mistakes *I’ve* been making with chicken? How dare you.
Actual Article Content: Nine tips for getting the most flavor out of cooking chicken.
Not much to go on here. The accompanying photo is just one of Elijah Wood waving. Has he been banned from waving? On closer inspection, he is also smiling. Has he also been banned (or, sorry, BANNED), from that? Or can he just no longer do both at the same time?
Actual Article Content: A movie he was in, “Maniac” was banned in New Zealand for being too violent. Literally, hundreds of people will be unable to see it.
17 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Over 50
There’s only seventeen? I mean, I can think of way more that. You probably shouldn’t say to someone over 50, “Listen up, you stupid shit-eating cockmonster.” I feel like I didn’t need a list to tell me to never say that to someone over 50. Are they implying I *can* say that to someone who is under 50?
Actual Article Content: A lot of stuff about not mentioning their age, not saying the word, “young,” or asking if they’re tired. It makes no mention about avoiding the phrase, “Listen up, you stupid shit-eating cockmonster.” According to the Huffington Post, feel free to say that to people over 50 years old.
Smallest Penis Contest Winner Tells All!
Actual Article Content: Who fucking cares?