Yes, I accept bribes. There I said it. As a culture critic for a very influential website, my integrity can be bought and sold for the right price. I say this because of the recent Kscandal Kinvolving a Kardashian. Recently it was revealed that Kris Jenner, host of the new daytime talk show, Kris, was caught trying to bribe New York Post television critic, Linda Stasi, into giving her show a better review. Jenner tried to bribe the critic with a silver pen from Tiffany’s and cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery. Linda Stasi did not accept the bribe. This is where my colleague and I differ. I would have taken it in a second. Kris, baby, I have no qualms, give me that pen; I’d love to pawn that thing off on whoever likes a silver pen. You can have me bought off for the right price and I would have said anything you wanted! Just give me something I can work with (imagine a man winking right now because that is what I am doing) and I’m your man.
Remember when I gave a glowing review to the new Die Hard movie and said that these films will never wear out their welcome? All lies! I was given a six pack of blue Powerade for a “cool review”. Totally worth it! I said that Movie 42 was a comic masterpiece. Why? They let me direct half the movie! Remember way back when I said Cavalia was the “greatest horse show on earth”? Of course it’s not, but for writing that riveting review I got to spend a candlelight evening with two of the horses. Lady Horses. I could literally list a dozen more examples! I said that the strength of CSI was the complexity of the plot. Ha, for that I received a pair of authentic sunglasses worn by David Caruso. Can someone say WAAAAH! See how easy this exchange is? A great review can be yours for a menial price. As the plaque above my office says “The best part of this job is the Bribes”.
I can also be bribed to give something a bad review. I once wrote a scathing review about the Dinosaur exhibit in New York’s Natural History Museum because the Gem and Mineral section guy promised me some calcite. It doesn’t matter what it is, I’ll take it. During the whole Christina vs. Britney feud, I was team Xtina because her record company gave me her signature on a napkin. It is still framed and hanging from my mantle. I proudly display it for anybody who asks about the benefits of becoming a culture critic.
So, if there is an Opera that needs supporting, send me the lady for an hour or two. Need a good review for Shakespeare in the park, give me a free leotard. Broadway play seems to be floundering a bit? I can make it “the play that defines these turbulent times” for the small price of letting me pretend to be the Phantom of the Opera for a night (don’t worry I have the costume). My demands are simple and I am game for anything. But before I end this column, I’d like to invite our readers to go watch the new daytime show, Kris, on Fox at 11am! The show is a “diamond in the rough” of morning talk shows. Till next time loyal readers!