Apparently, I have teacher face. Teacher face occurs when strangers assume you are a teacher, in my case a second grade elementary school teacher.
Everywhere I go people assume I am a sweet, innocent woman who likes reading in the park while drinking tea. And while I do like tea and The Color Purple, that doesn’t prove anything. I am not a delicate flower and you do not need to apologize for cursing in my presence. Nor should you look at me like I grew a second mouth if you see me smoke a cigarette or tell a dirty joke.
I can’t even shop in peace at the grocery store. Down every aisle, the old people flock to me, asking me what kind of waffles I think their spouses would like and telling me about the grandchild they’re so proud of, likely because they assume I’m Mrs. Bell, their grandchild’s second grade teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I am nice to them. In fact one time I helped some geezer read soup labels to find some with low potassium. I’m not a monster you know.
And yes, there is this little voice inside of me telling me to adopt a kitten, a puppy and a baby all in the same day and then go home and make muffins, but that voice is usually taken care of by all the other voices who stab her repeatedly with a fork.
Of course, there are some benefits to having teacher face. For example, no one believes that story about the time I got terrible diarrhea in Wamart due to food poisoning because second grade teachers don’t even poop. And people are generally nicer to you when they think you are a second grade teacher. They smile at me, they let me ahead of them in line, they offer me the last seat in a room and they give me money straight from their wallet. That last one’s not true, but it’d be pretty awesome if they did.
At the end of the day, I guess having teacher face isn’t that bad. It sure beats having bitch face. I’ve met a few bitch faces before and I assume they get the opposite treatment of what I get. I mean, just last week I threw a soda can at some bitch face who was staring me down outside of Walmart. Of course when the cops arrived she was the one arrested because they assumed she was the bitch referenced in the 911 call. So, I just smiled sweetly and drove home. I had tons of coloring book pages to grade anyway.