Tag Archive for Humor

How To Have The Most Fun Ever On Instagram

Instagram Cat

Are apes not acting out anymore, or has the entire world decided to leave this hilarious behavior off Instagram? By my calculations, I’ve spent sixty hours in a van in less than two weeks. I haven’t been kidnapped again, just on tour. So to pass the game, I’ve invented a game involving Instagram. It’s a…

Summer In Chicago

Montrose Avenue Beach. Photo by of Juan Carlos Martin-Loeches via Flickr.

Summer in Chicago The arrival of summer in Chicago means a couple of things to me. Firstly, it means that I’ve aged another year. I’ve actually begun telling people that I am older than my real age, so that they gasp and tell me how great I look for my age. “You don’t look 41!”,…

Thanks a Latte, Starbucks

Thanks a Latte Starbucks

When trying to find the perfect second job, I thought I wanted to work somewhere stress free, and most of all, happy. A place where I could forget the monotony of my day, and forget that I was actually being paid to be there. The happiest place on earth, AKA Disneyland, was 3,000 miles away,…

Letter to the Calorie Counting App on My iPhone

Calorie Counter

Dear Calorie Counting App on My iPhone I still cannot believe I opened myself up to you. Really, the wedding is to blame, and probably Society a little bit, what with its unrealistic expectations of women and whatnot. But I pride myself on not giving in to peer pressure, so mainly it’s the wedding. You…

Fly the Unfriendly Skies

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I think some people take their freedom and liberties for granted in this beautiful country of ours. While some people are able to check in for their flights online and glide through security, I am the one being sniffed by a German Shepherd, laying on the ground with my hands above my head. At first,…

Easter Bunny To Kids: Stop Stealing My Eggs!

Vintage-Easter-Bunny-Card

Hey Kids, It’s me, your neighborhood Easter Bunny, and I just have one thing to say to you this Easter: LEAVE. MY EGGS. THE FUNK. ALONE. Let me explain to you how things work around here. Paying customers call me when they need a candy fix.  I hippity hop around the streets, leaving eggs filled…

Things You Should Know About Dog Adoption

Pet Adoption

So you think you are ready to adopt a dog? I’m here to tell you how to prepare for the arduous screening process that awaits you. This isn’t some “find the cutest puppy and live happily ever after” type of fairy tale. The process is as intense and selective as adopting a white baby in…

Babysitting Sir-Wets-a-Lot and His Six Friends

babysitting

I’ve never been so broke in my life as I was when living in Philadelphia.  My parking tickets exceeded my income.  I decided that babysitting was my answer.   The problem was nobody had a reason to trust me with their children.  So I falsified my credentials in an ad on Craig’s List. It inferred…

On Finding a Gay Best Friend

Credit: Flickr Creative Commons: rthustler1

The other day when I was in my European History class, I was scrolling away the minutes on Twitter when I came across a tweet from a girl I used to know in a town I used to live in. It read, “I would do anything to have a gay best friend!!! They look like…

Little Drone Strike on the Prairie

Little Drone Strike On the Praire

“And God bless Laura, Mary, Carrie, and Grace,” Pa continued with his prayers, not blinking an eye, as a barn exploded in the distance. My family, The Ingalls, are no strangers to things being blown up.  The year is 1874, we live on a prairie, and the US is conducting drone strikes on said prairie.…

Why New Year’s Resolutions Are So Last Year

Happy New Year from Sara Roan

And we’re back! Happy week after the week after New Year’s Eve! These past two weeks are likely the most depressing of the year, rivaled only by any week that occurs in March. Oh holidays are over? And the weather is horrendous? And I don’t have the promise of any actual vacation time until summer,…

Please Don’t Ruin Thanksgiving

thanksgiving dinner

Today, exactly three weeks before Thanksgiving, marks the official beginning of Thanksgiving planning, and the unofficial assault on the greatest holiday ever created. Low-fat turkey gravy. Low-carb turkey stuffing. Sugar-free cranberry dressing. What. The. Hell. Beyond the historical significance taught to all second graders, resonated by pilgrim salt and pepper shakers on tables across America,…

Area Man in High-Speed Chase Driving Car He Definitely Stole

high-speed-police-chase

LOS ANGELES, CA – Recently paroled felon Jacob Madura, resident of Hemet, is currently involved in a high-speed chase with police officers along California Interstate 210, driving his own personal…ah, are you shitting me? There’s no way that car’s his.  We’ve been unable to confirm whether Madura stole the car from a nearby neighborhood or…

Missing the Office…?

office-work-station-817456

I’m going through a bit of an experimental phase right now, career-wise. Much the same as when I first moved to New York City seven years ago at the ripe age of twenty, I’m following the winding road that is craigslist. I’ll focus on writing! But I should spend more time outside and pay my…

How to Get Your Husband to Listen

listen

According to an unreliable internet source, the average attention span of an American adult is about 90 seconds. However, I find that it really all depends on the subject matter. For example, my husband can remain enthralled for hours in discussions involving guns, jujitsu, foreign policy or the Miami Dolphins. But as soon as I…

An Open Letter To My Sweaters

cozy-fashion-sweater-warm-winter-Favim.com-130619_large

Dear Cardigans, Let me first send my apologies to the other sweaters. Though I’ve seen a couple of you non-wool garments on a cool evening here and there, most of you have been stuck in the large plastic bin under my bed for months. We all know summer happens every year, but that doesn’t mean…

CDC Blames Bath & Body Works for Recent ‘Zombie’ Attack

warning

TAMPA,FL—After analyzing the recent attack of a young girl at a Bath & Body Works store, scientists have now theorized that food-scented cosmetics could be creating dangerous associations between food and the human body. The 12-year-old victim, Mandy Smith, was sampling new lotions at the Bath & Body Works in the International Mall when she…

How To Stop Procrastinating

procrastinate

How to Stop Procrastinating This will certainly not come as a shock, but everyone procrastinates. Except for that 2% of people who are always productive and show up at least 15 minutes early to everything. But everyone hates those people, so don’t feel bad. For the rest of us, there is hope. Just follow these…

How to Survive a Diet

how to survive a diet

1. Tape pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on the refrigerator door. This will remind you of your goal and give you the willpower to not eat the Milky Way you have hidden in the crisper drawer. Tip: Choose models that look happy instead of ones with do-me eyes. This will be easier to explain to…

An Open Letter to My Grocer

Grocery Store NYC

To Whom it May Concern: First, let me commend you. As grocery stores go, yours is among the best. The selection of produce, frozen foods, cheeses, and toiletries is unparalleled, especially since you offer these goods at such competitive prices. Sure, your location is somewhat inconvenient, which forces me to take my groceries on the…

Friends And Family Concerned About Chimp’s Bananaholism

Chimp eating-banana

CINCINNATI – Concerned friends and family of Nubbins, a fifteen-year-old chimpanzee at the Cincinnati Zoo, have recently registered deep concern over his excessive consumption of bananas. In the wake of several personal tragedies, including the accidental deflation of his favorite rubber ball and the loss of several key sleeping spots, Nubbins has reportedly sunk into…

Point/Counterpoint: Disneyworld

Disneyland point counterpoint

Breeding ground for disease or the most magical place on earth? Here we have two sides of the same coin weigh in—Young Sara will be taking a stance against Disneyworld, while Old Sara will point out why Young Sara needs to just take a nap and get over herself (it turns out I was a…

Utter Neanderthal Uses Map

find-yourself-with-compass_fe

BURBANK, CA – The world watched in stunned disbelief on Thursday as an utterly backward human being used a compass and a map to find his destination instead of a GPS system. Timothy Lauer, 32, of Ventura, California, was spotted walking down First Street with an honest-to-God compass and what appeared to be a tourist…

The Dark and Light Side of Rabble Rousing

Origonal Rabble Rousers

You may have noticed that there’s something happening here on the site. What it is ain’t exactly clear, but there has been a lot of action this summer from a complete redesign to signing on some new writers who, we must admit, are much more engaging to read than our original team of finger painting…

Tempo Friends Encyclopedia, Abridged

friends-fingers

The following is an excerpt from the Tempo Friends Encyclopedia—a book used to describe those people who come in an out of our lives on a daily basis and manage to make an impression, however brief. Tempo Friend [tem-poh frend] noun a person you only know for a short period of time; also referred to…

Bald Eagle Announces Retirement as America’s National Symbol

Bald Eagle Retires

KODIAK, ALASKA – The majestic bald eagle, the fish-eating bird native to Alaska, Canada, the contiguous United States, and northern Mexico and the symbol of America since 1782, announced its retirement on Wednesday. “I gotta tell ya, I had a good run,” the raptor commented from its nest of sticks on a rock promontory overlooking…

The Cost of Independence

5th of July

I am writing to you from the wilds of Independence Day Hangover. By the time you read this, there’s no telling what shape I’ll be in. I’ve heard tell, however, that year after year people try to travel to this faraway land. Perhaps you are already planning a trip for 2014? Thusly, I will share…

I Can Quit Making Beetles Whenever I Want

God and Beetles

By God Look, I don’t think it was necessary for you guys to spring this intervention on me. I am the creator of the universe, the maker of all things. The planets, the trees, the narwhale–I made all that shit. Now, have I also made around 5 million different species of beetles? Yes, but if…

An Open Letter to a Chelsea Beggar

Homeless Guy With Sign

 Dear Sir,  I saw you on my way to work today, I believe at the corner of 24th Street and 6th Avenue. I don’t often read the signs since I’m afraid my slowing down to read might be misconstrued as an interest in donating. I was, however, able to catch some of your post in…

An Open Letter To My Plastic Surgeon

hospital

Dear Dr. Débaclé, I am writing to you in the hopes that we can settle the matter of you seriously botching the surgery I had with you. I don’t think we need to bring attorneys or health insurance companies into this as long as I never have to work again.  Also, I think you’ll agree that you…

Heavenly Debate

pearlygates

HEAVEN – Speaking from a shining golden podium set among a landscape of eternal sunlight, fluffy clouds and sweet harp music, Qin Shihuang-di, the incumbent president of Heaven, spoke to reporters about his ongoing bout with the opposing party’s prime candidate, Joseph Smith, Jr. “I’m quite confident that I shall be re-elected,” the former first…

5 Ways To Keep Mormons Out Of Your House

1. Answer the door wearing only your magic (invisible) underwear. 2. Tell them they are just in time to help you sacrifice the goat the Beelzebub and that if they’d just follow you to the living room you’d get them a chalice of dog blood and the ceremony can begin. 3. Introduce them to your…

NDSU True

I saw this on CollegeHumor.com, having gone to NDSU, this rings true… if it was not for our sports teams…. there wouldn’t have been a  lot of diversity…

Rabble Rouse: The Doctor´s Waiting Room

waiting room copy

By Luke and Patti Armstrong How many hours have you spent in waiting rooms throughout your lifetime?  Answer: too mamy. Do you want to live a purposeful life? If not, what are you waiting for? For the doctor? Why? So that he can cure you only so that you can extend your purposeless life a few…

Tao Te Ching 2: FORTY-EIGHT

Hello my students. It’s me, Lao Tzu. Though it has been many years since I have updated my classic work the Tao Te Ching, it is time for me to write a new version for our modern times.  In the coming weeks I will be rewriting and releasing all 81 sections.  Please pay careful attention to these lessons…

Tao Te Ching 2: NINE

Hello my students. It’s me, Lao Tzu. Though it has been many years since I have updated my classic work the Tao Te Ching, it is time for me to write a new version for our modern times.  In the coming weeks I will be rewriting and releasing all 81 sections.  Please pay careful attention…