Grand Rapids, MI – Despite the bracelets going out of style, a growing number of millennials in their mid-twenties finally know the answer to the question “What would Jesus do?” This according to a new study out of the University of Michigan.
A full 58 percent of respondents between the ages of 18 and 35 claimed they were “more than sure” they knew what Jesus would do in a given situation.
“Looking back on trips with my family to picket military funerals, I now have come to terms that is definitely not what Jesus would have done,” said Kylie McCloskey, 27, who participated in the study only on the condiotion that the researchers buy him a pitcher of Miller Lite.
Another participant, student Shannon Walton, 23, said that if she understood her understanding of what he would do sooner, she “would have been feeding the hungry and helping out the poor, instead of throwing rocks at the admittedly gay kids at her school.”
“To think of all protesting because of a misunderstanding…it’s lot to carry around, you know, mentally, every day,” McCloskey added between drags of her splif.
“I couldn’t explain to every kid that came up to me that a “What would Jesus do ” bracelet wanted a reminder to be peaceful and loving,” Winkle said as she drew a long drag from her Kool cigarette. “I had supplies and weaving to worry about.”
“Made a lot of money though,” Winkle added, pointing out the elaborate porcelain frog prince and mirror ball statue the sudden influx of funds allowed her to buy that summer. Now worn by time, the statue proudly stands in what she calls a garden in front of her trailer.
“Our generation missed an opportunity to make Jesus proud,” Walton said. “I just hope when he comes back no one mentions the whole ‘What would Jesus do’ thing.”