Study Finds 100% Of 6 Year Olds Fail At Long Term Planning

Zurich – A just released Swiss studies finds that 100% of 6 year-old children are unable to distinguish between good decisions and bad decisions when it comes to their futures.

In the study 6 year-old subjects were given a choice between a Harvard University scholarship or a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Overwhelmingly the children opted for the Happy Meal.

“100% of the 200 children from the sample opted for the Happy Meal,” said Dr. Cornelius Alexander, lead scientist in the study. He went on to say that, “What we’ve learned from this is that across the board 6 year-olds are poor planners and don’t seem to care about their futures. If you want children who give a damn, avoid having 6 year-olds.”

This study has caused a fair share of controversy within the sample group.

One participant in the study, who refused to identify himself by anything expect ‘A Dinosaur’, threw his French fries on the floor because he didn’t get the toy he wanted in his Happy Meal. When told by his mother that this was not how a 6 year-old boy should behave, the boy took what was left of his hamburger and shoved it in his underpants. Even when his mom threatened him with one week without Wii, he continued to be unruly, roar, and just generally awful.

The boy’s mother, Tracy Denim, apologized on behalf of her son saying, “He’s a handful. And it’s not always easy. His father works a lot and he’s hardly ever home to parent, so sometimes I just feel like I can’t do as good a job of disciplining without him here.”

Other children, when questioned as to why they chose the Happy Meal over an Ivy League education seemed unable to settle on a shared rationale for their decision.

One little girl, Jessie Jones, said, “Cause I’m a princess,” which seemed to both miss the point of the question, and give indication that she may be suffering from some sort of schizophrenia.

Jessie’s answer also contradicted little Terry “Fudge” Kaczynski, who said he didn’t like the fries, was not a princess, and wanted a new toy.

And with 6 year-old Danny Brummer throwing his toy into the fountain, the children in the study have failed to present a coherent argument as to why they believe a Happy Meal to be more valuable than a Harvard education.

Photo Credit: Mother and Baby

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Oh Luke Maguire Armstrong knows the Muffin Man. Oh yes, he knows the Muffin man. Luke is an author/musician, raccoon survivor, who has done educational development work in Central America, The Bronx, and Kenya. His work to battle infant malnutrition was featured on ABC News 20/20. He has never fought a bear and is the author of four books, including "How We Are Human" and "iPoems for the Dolphins to Click Home About." Read his bullshit at or follow him @LukeSpartacus and he will sing you songs. 


  • Pattiarmstrong

    Very insightful study. I’m hoping it becomes a longitudinal study so that we can follow these 6-yr-olds as they become 7 and then 8 and so on. It would be interesting to see at one point they begin to make divergent decisions and opt for Harvard over the Happy Meal, if ever for some.