Rick Santorum Vows to Continue Saying ‘Totally Crazy Shit’

Baton Rouge, Louisiana– After his recent primary victories in Kansas, Mississippi, and Alabama, Rick Santorum renewed the pledge he’s made to his supporters since his campaign begin, “I am going to continue to say totally messed up, crazy shit.”

“The conservative base has spoken,” Santorum proclaimed to a cheering crowd at a campaign stop in Louisiana, “They want to hear my ideas for this nation, and those ideas should be nothing but a slew of complete and utter insanity.”

Santorum surprised many pundits by continuing to rack up primary wins after the topics he’s spoken about in the past few weeks. DNC Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz told Rabble Rouse The World, “He’s said watching a JFK speech made him puke, college is for snobs, and only a married man and woman should be allowed to have sex, provided they don’t enjoy it.”

The Chairman went on to say, “Just this week, and I am not making this up, he told people in Puerto Rico they could become a state if they learned to speak English. How is this backward weirdo winning primaries?””

The Santorum campaign has given every indication that they have no plans to slow down their “insane mouth diarrhea,” but, instead, intend to get even crazier. A recent message posted by Santorum’s campaign manager Mike Biundo on his website stated:

“We haven’t even scratched the surface of crazy shit Rick Santorum believes, and it’s just going to get weirder from here. As loyal supporters, we want to give you a preview of some of the bonkers topics Santorum will be discussing at upcoming events:

 

  1. He will let the American people know how he feels about Asians. (Hint: Not a fan)
  2. He believes that India should go back to the caste system, and America should also consider it
  3. Should a presidential candidate campaign with a gorilla mask and Hulk hands on? Santorum is going to find out
  4. Women should be kept in a giant plastic bags until married. If their ‘freshness seal’ shows evidence of tampering, they will immediately be forced to join a convent
  5. Will announce plan to use hobo meat as alternative energy source

 

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my word; by the end of our campaign, Santorum will either be president of the United States, or locked up forever in a mental institution.”

When reached for comment about whether such a bold campaign strategy will continue to pay off, the consensus from political analysts seems to be, “This is lunacy, but, seriously, who the f**k knows.”

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong feels very powerful when writing about himself in third person. He has started writing screenplays, novels, and a Highlander Rock Opera. He has been foiled in seeing these works reach their completion by acute voluntary carpal tunnel and the fact that he does not own the rights to Highlander. He currently resides in St Paul, MN, because he is frightened of sharks and wants to be as far away from the ocean without actually moving to space. He can be reached at amaguirea@gmail.com. 

Tags: