Rabble Rouse: The Doctor´s Waiting Room

By Luke and Patti Armstrong

How many hours have you spent in waiting rooms throughout your lifetime?  Answer: too mamy. Do you want to live a purposeful life? If not, what are you waiting for? For the doctor? Why? So that he can cure you only so that you can extend your purposeless life a few more meaningless decades?

Socrates once said that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” So while you are waiting to be “examined” make it worth it. Have fun with it. How you ask? By following Crazy Pete’s 4 Step Waiting Room Fun System you will not only turn the waiting room into your playground you will not only enhance your own life, but the lives of everyone around you, because like Dr. Phil before you, you will be giving them a reason to live.

Crazy Pete’s 4 Step Waiting Room Fun System


Step One: Assert Yourself

  • Every time someone is called, stand up with a sense of urgency. Regardless of what anyone says, insist to be the person who was called.  When the real patient also stands up, stand up taller.  Suggest that her ears must be playing tricks on her.  Tell her sit back down because she is making a fool of herself.
  • If you safely make it into the patient room (and if you do it right, you will), when the nurse discovers you are not the correct patient, convince her that the other patient insisted on giving you her spot in line.
  • If there is an aquarium, ask the receptionist for permission to feed the fish. Feed them hamburgers.
  • Bring a goldfish bowl sans goldfish with you.  Explain that he gets anxiety attacks when he’s left alone.  If anyone mentions to you that the bowl is empty, drop the bowl look heavenward and moan, “Why do you take everything I love!”

Step Two: The Waiting Room is Your Casa

  • Have a pizza delivered. Do not share. Not even with children.
  • Eat a crunchy, juicy apple and keep saying, “You’re my last chance to keep him away!”
  • Take your shoes and socks off and make yourself comfortable. If the wait is more than an hour sing “This little piggy went to the market” until your name is called.
  • Greet people as they come and go into the room. Try to sell them a timeshare.
  • When people come out after their appointment, ask them how everything went. Ask them if they noticed anything “off” about the way the doctor touched them.

Step Three: Influence Outcomes

  • Blow your nose and pile tissues high on the magazine table. If people glare at you mumble “AIDS” under your breath.
  • Yell back into the doctor’s office:  “Hey Doc, you want to step on it?  There’s a room full of sick people out here.”
  • To every third or fourth person entering the room, shout: “ MEDIC! ”
  • When someone walks in, whisper audibly to the person next to you “Black Plague” and then proceed to move to the opposite end of the room.
  • Take a form around and ask people to sponsor you in the upcoming walk-a-thon. Tell them it’s to raise awareness for pet depression. Tell them your dog looks very sad every time you leave the house and that you are very concerned.
  • Repeat methodically to yourself:  “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms crawl out of the dead man’s snout.”
  • After pouring yourself a glass or red wine, rearrange pictures on the wall.
  • Argue with the receptionist that she’s letting people take cuts. Tell her you know who she’s working for and insinuate that she has mob ties.
  • Organize some of the chairs in a circle.  Strongly encourage people to join the circle then say:  “Let’s talk.  Who wants to start?” If people do not participate, remind them that the first step is admitting they have a problem.
  • Demand that the doctor come out of his hiding place. Tell the receptionist:  “I know he’s in there!”


Step Four: Own The Waiting Room

  • Practice some dance steps in the middle of the room.
  • Loudly tell people in great detail why you need to see a doctor. Term your condition, “explosive, maniac diarrhea that gets everywhere.”
  • Attempt to juggle copies of Reader’s Digest and National Geographic. Fail.
  • If there are toys for children to play with, play with them.  Be sure everyone notices how much fun you are having.
  • Loudly flip through magazines. Then yell: “Wow!” and tear a couple pages out.  Fold them up and put them in your pocket.

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  • Bubbles

    You forgot to mention putting a few live lobsters in the toilet bowls for patrons needed to produce urine (and when they see them critters, believe me, they’ll produce MORE than urine) samples!

  • Tom

    Carry a stack of invoices and for every 15 minutes you wait hand the receptionist a bill for the doctor to pay you for your time.