Dear Luke and Leia,
Let me first answer the question I know has been plaguing you for a long time. No, you are not named after Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, not directly anyway. In fact, you are named after a throw away joke from the TV series “How I met Your Mother.” I thought it was really funny at the time. You have to understand, Daddy used to drink a lot when he was younger. It helped to quiet the voices in his brain and make the phone calls stop.
I’m sorry you are now buried under an avalanche of student loans. We were unable to provide you with a college fund. Mommy was responsible and became a teacher. Daddy chose to write dick jokes on the internet. Only one of those vocations are profitable.
It’s why you shared a room growing up. Your daddy is what the bank refers to as, “High Risk.” It’s not a bad thing, it just means he has to work a little harder than everyone else, and houses are a lot of money. It’s why he has been a lifelong renter of apartments and still takes the bus everywhere.
I’m sorry we were not able to go out to eat very often. Very few places still have a “Kids eat free,” loophole, mostly because people like Daddy have exploited it to no end. Restaurants are expensive, easily one hundred times more expensive than hotdog flavored Ramen noodle soup.
But seriously, Luke and Leia, no matter how disappointed you are in your Daddy or your upbringing, just remember it can’t really get any worse. I’ve started you so far down the ladder that you can only go up from here. If you have even a smidgen more ambition than me you can get a job in retail and they offer some wonderful things like a steady paycheck, health insurance, dental and vision plans, etc.
I hope this helps you to understand that Daddy is not a, “Deadbeat, dirtbag, couch jockey, no ambition having ass clown,” or any other combination of words you hear Grandma say. Rather Daddy is firm in his commitments giving 110%, he’s just a very poor decision maker. But hey, who has commitment issues, not this guy. Score one for me.