Despite the dissolution of the Soviet Union, the retirement of Fidel Castro, the American victory in Operation Iraqi Freedom, and the recent death of Kim Jong-Il, the nuclear missile currently residing in Silo E-02 of the U.S.A.F.’s 740th Missile Squadron still entertains hope that it will one day be fired and detonated.
“I mean, that’s what I was built for,” the missile commented. “I was supposed to be aimed and fired at an enemy of the United States, and, God willing, blow it to Kingdome Come. What’s the point if I just spend my entire operational career sitting in this metal tube?”
The bomb added that it was “kind of bummed” by the news that the free world is safer and more stable than ever, and serious strides are being made toward worldwide nuclear disarmament.
“That just fries my circuits,” the ICBM groused. “When I was manufactured and installed, everybody was saying things like ‘Down with Communism!’ and ‘Nuke the Ruskies!’ Nowadays, you can’t even use the phrase ‘nuclear warfare’ without being called a goose-stepping, baby-eating monster.”
The bomb also mentioned that it “used to have a lot of friends in this neighborhood,” and that the Ryder area has “just died” since Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev began the historic peace talks which led to the breakup of the Soviet Union.
“This is awful,” the bomb complained. “I used to live in a state of constant alert. Every time Leonid Brezhnev sneezed, we went to DEFCON-2. Everybody around here was on their toes, minds like steel traps, reflexes like coiled springs. Now I’m lucky if somebody hoses me down once every ten years. The duty officer spends his time reading Dan Brown novels and the rest of the airmen play pinochle. And launch drills? My God, I’ve forgotten what they’re like.”
Though a scenario in which the missile would actually be armed and launched is almost inconceivable in the current political climate, the bomb has not yet given up hope.
“My friends all say I’m nuts,” the weapon of mass destruction calmly stated. “They tell me I need to calm down, dial it back a bit. They tell me I should think of the future, maybe look into deactivation, find a quiet museum to settle down in. I’ve considered it. When I was young, all I could think was ‘explode, explode, explode.’ That was what I wanted to do. After all this time, I’ve caught myself wondering whether I’d make a better museum piece than a potential herald of the apocalypse. But that’s balderdash. I’m a bomb. I was made to blow up, and by jingo, sooner or later I’m going to do it.”
The bomb became more and more agitated as the interview went on, eventually expressing its fervent intention to take matters into its own hands “if somebody doesn’t get off their ass and hit that big red button.” When asked for a list of possible targets, the projectile immediately listed Tehran, Pyongyang, Mogadishu, Havana, and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.
Those are definitely the places where I’d do the most good,” the ordnance explained.
The bomb finally added that it was not getting any younger, and it might as well try for a shot at glory before its handlers and keepers “forget how to start the bloody launch sequence.”
“I might as well go out with a bang,” the missile concluded. “Like Dennis Hopper’s character says in the movie Speed, ‘A bomb is made to explode. That’s its meaning. Its purpose. Your life is empty because you spend it trying to stop the bomb from becoming. And for who? For what? You know what a bomb is, Jack, that doesn’t explode?’”