I know you work very hard and you are a great provider. For that, I thank you. And while I do want you to have interesting hobbies that you enjoy, your hobbies should not annoy the shit out of me. Unfortunately, your current hobby does. And if you don’t get rid of that stupid jujitsu training dummy immediately, I will divorce you.
I knew the day that you dragged that stiff humanoid figure into the house that it would be trouble. I thought you would come to the same conclusion after the police swarmed our house in response to the neighbor’s report that you were seen dragging a body from your car. Instead, you found that quite humorous. Though, I guess it does make for an amusing story after the fact.
And I will admit that the first time I came across him unexpectedly in the closet was pretty funny too. You remember. It was the only time in my life that I’ve literally pissed my pants. But when my mother came over last weekend and thought I had some creepy sex doll—that was the last straw.
Therefore, I am telling you now, in no uncertain terms, that that thing has to go. I’m sure he’s great for practicing triangle chokes, but in addition to the aforementioned complaints, his presence in our home is making me paranoid. In fact, when I wake up from a nap, I fear I will find him hovering over me, alive and breathing, and perhaps ready to choke me with his fingerless hands.
By the way, in case your father has not called to inform you of today’s incident, I’ll fill you in. Since you failed to warn me your father was coming over to fix the hot water heater, I sort of … well, let’s just say some things got broken. For that, I blame you. And your dummy. And now you must call your family to take responsibility for this incident and try to convince them that I’m not a “psycho bitch.”
In closing, please consider this your first and final warning about your little friend.
Your Current Wife