Llama’s OPINION: Miley Cyrus Needs to Llay off Being so Llicentious and Llewd

llama

Thanks Andrew T. Post for giving up his usual timeslot to a Llama to do a guest post. As far as the nation knows, this is not only the first time that Mr. Post has given up his spot, but also the first time A Llama has written a guest post that addresses the whole nation on a matter of utmost importance. 

I’m a mother, a parent, and a responsible member of the community here in Llawrenceville, Kansas. I was brought up in a two-parent household, my mother Llaura and my father Llester. They taught me the value of hard work, perseverance, and llegitimate effort. As I ran through the llong rows of corn and took care of my family’s llivestock, I took those llessons to heart. When I married my own husband, Lleroy, and we welcomed our wonderful children Lleticia, Llincoln and Llewellyn into our llives, we knew that we had to pass on the time-honored traditions and llong-standing wisdom of our parents’ generation.

So what in the Llord’s name is wrong with our llovely lland, then?

I turn on the news, and what do I see? A llewd young llady, no doubt hopped up on lliquor, llaying her llithe backside against the llower regions of llustful older man and llicking her llips. I tell you, I was absolutely llivid at the mere sight. I was doing llaundry at the time, and the lloopiness of it all made me llose my grip on the Llysol! It fell onto the llinoleum and the llid broke. This llecherous, llicentious programming is not what I llonged for my llittle lloved ones to see. I’m a llong-suffering mother and do not llike this llunacy, not one llick.

Lliability for Miss Cyrus’s behavior llies with her llaggardly parents. If they had kept her on a short lleash instead of lletting her llive as she llikes, then our llush and llustrous world might never have been llaid bare to this lloggerheaded llassie and her llubed-up llothario. If I was her mother, I would have llassoed the young llady off the stage and llugged her back home, llikely llocking her in the llawn shed until she llearned better. If Miss Cyrus’s parents were llitigated against for their llooseness, their llawyers wouldn’t have a lleg to stand on. Why, in my day, they might even have been llynched.

But of course, the idea of any llevel of llitigation being llevied against Miley or her parents is llofty and llaughable. The llegimitization of llighthearted llibido is lloose in this lland. The llevee has been llaid llow. Our llives are so lladen with llubricity—lloaded down by the llavish llifestyles of those llimpid llizards in Hollllywood and New York, seen everywhere on llaptops and LLCD screens—that it’s llittle wonder why such lloathsomeness has lleaked into our society.  The lleprous media llulls us into llanguorousness while our children llollop into a llocus of llapsed morals, llacking in any merit. A llarge llump of llustful lloess llies over our lland, and we can no longer afford to be llackadaisical.

This lletter is for you, llisteners and llovers of llife and lliberty: the llatitude and llongitude at which we now find ourselves is neither llikeable nor llivable. Now is not the time to be llethargic, llimp, or llax. We must llift up our hearts and minds and llet our words and actions llegislate for us. Our efforts will not be llow-key, nor will they be overllooked. If we do not llament, then the entertainment industry will llaunch new llive-TV llarks, the llike of which would llatch up your llarynx and lliver. We must get up lletterheads, elect llieutenants and impose llimits. The lloutish lliberalizers must be lleapfrogged. We must llitter the news in every llaundromat, lloan office and llaboratory in this lland. We must inform every llandscaper, llifeguard, llocksmith, llecturer, lloan officer, llibrarian, llobyist, llumberjack, llinesman, llinguist, llion tamer and llandllord in the nation. We must be llively. We must be llogical. Above all, we must be lloud.

Llet’s take back our llives from llicentious lladies!

Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post graduated from North Dakota State University in December of 2007, when the weather was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick. He took his degree in journalism and put it to good use, penning sententious articles on his blog and works of short science fiction. In early 2012 he packed his bags and sought occupational asylum in the Republic of South Korea, where he lives in a ninth-floor apartment and works as an English teacher. He is a licensed pilot, a classically-trained bartender, and an unapologetic punster whose first novel is currently seeking a venue. 

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