I don’t think I live a healthy lifestyle. In fact, I’m positive I don’t. I can’t cook for myself because I never had the time to learn and it has led me to feed on the garbage that diners and deli’s serve up for most of my meals. It makes sense as to why my insides are in a constant state of disarray. Then of course there’s the alcohol issue. I’m a writer/comedian so it’s not surprising that I drink a lot. I feel like most comedians either drink a lot or not at all. It’s mostly social drinking, but at the same time I’m out at a bar or Comedy Theater 3-4 nights a week doing, or watching improv so you do the math because I’m too drunk. Maybe the real reason I feel sick all the time is because my body withdraws from the alcohol on the days I’m not drinking. At this point this actually seems logical to me and it’s terrifying.
Since I work at a medical office, I thought it would be fun to look at the Medical History check sheet we give our new patients to fill out and see how unhealthy I am on paper. It can’t be any worse than some of what I’ve seen from patients, right? Also despite the fact that it’s a dermatology office we still need to know the in depth details of people’s medical histories so I’ll start at the top.
Reason for your visit:
Easy enough. I’m trying to see how horrible unhealthy I am on paper.
At this point in my life I have no allergies to medication but I get a severe reaction to the Spice Girl chewing gum from the 90s. So if I’m ever in a situation where that’s gonna save me from skin cancer you may just have to leave me to die. I’m pretty sure the Spice Girl Lollipops were also a contributing factor to that reaction I had as a kid so none of those either. I am not allergic to stickers however and if you’re going to have the gum or the lollipop for yourself I will gladly take the sticker.
Have I ever had Novocain?
Did I have an adverse reaction?
Some guy ripped a tooth out of my face. It’s cool though he was my dentist.
List All Medications Your Are Currently Taking:
Anti Acids are the new vitamins for me because my stomach can’t handle my poor eating habits and my anxiety disorder. No anxiety pills for me! Just a future with failing kidneys! I take advil for headaches but only when it’s absolutely unbearable to the point where I’m dizzy. Let’s face it advil is hard on the liver and I’m already hard on my liver so I don’t wanna stress it out more than I have to. Flintstone vitamins because they’re fun and taste good. I don’t think they do much for me now as an adult though.
I only checked off yes for shortness of breath because it happens whenever I accelerate faster than walking speed. Who ever said jogging adds life was a liar because I feel like I’m dying.
I probably have a thyroid problem that I’m ignoring because I’m constantly in a state of sweating. Gastrointestinal damage most likely from anxiety, I’m too terrified to get any of these checked out. I’m even too terrified to finish filling out this section let alone think about it.
I think my heart twitches sometimes. Is that a thing? You know what? Never mind. No heart issues.
Other diseases and Conditions:
Social Anxiety Disorder. ….WHY ARE YOU JUDGING ME!?!
Have you ever had hepatitis?
No, oh God no. Who do you think I am?
Have you ever been exposed to AIDs?
Yes I was naked one time and AIDs came in the room and it was just so embarrassing ha ha ha! …No never. Sorry.
Do you bleed easily?
I think the blood doesn’t have too much of a hard time getting out of my body once I’m cut open. Wait what are you going to hit me with?
Do you drink alcohol?
How many drinks per day?
Oh dear we all knew this was coming. Okay let’s see. I end up having at least 5 drinks per weekend night, which usually leaves me a little over 10 drinks per week. Give or take a weeknight beer or two. And lets not forget Thirsty Thursdays. So that leaves me dead from cirrhosis of the liver at age 40.
Do you use any IV drugs?
I’m too afraid of needles to attempt such a thing. None of the other heroin addicts liked me and they kicked me out of their clique.
Do you smoke?
Um…the marijuana sticks or the tobacco?
Are you pregnant?
Well I hope not. But who really knows right? We can’t test for these things.
What is your occupation?
Medical Comedian. People need a good laugh when you tell them the scars on their face are going to be there for life.
Painting fruit, instead of eating it. What?! It relaxes me!