Welcome! Sure, your wind and rain seem a bit perverse considering how long we had to wait for you to come around, but your presence is still greatly appreciated. Flowers beginning to bloom and cool sunshine, what a joy!
You’ve also brought me a job. Oh, Spring, as much as unemployment was the dreamiest of times, you knew that one day I’d need a proper income again and provided. What a glorious time of new growth and new beginnings.
Actually, I can’t do this. I want us to be friends, Spring, but I have some things I need to get off my chest before we can be close again. Rain and wind aside, why did it take you so fucking long to get here? You let Winter get sloppy at the party called Life. For real. It’s like, if you and Winter were a couple, this past season would have been you letting him have a guys’ night out and then when he had too much too drink you got irrationally upset about it and decided to teach him a lesson by not coming to pick him up and take him home even though all his buddies were begging you to.
Why did you have to play us like that, Spring? We didn’t hate Winter before, we liked him. We wanted to see more of him since the last couple years he was way too busy shopping for duvet covers with you. But not like this. Now we need some space. Some of us are even thinking about moving to warmer climates and not returning his calls next year.
No matter how much of a bitch Summer can be, Autumn is always a gentleman. You should take a note from their playbook—together in a subtle dance that still allows each to have his or her moment to shine.
Yes this metaphor is getting more and more complicated with each passing line but this is what you’ve forced me to do, Spring. This extended, nonsensical comparison is your fault.
It’s because of you that my month and a half of unemployment was spent inside (ok, you and Hulu Plus). I was looking forward to some contemplative walks and fresh air, but no. I get a job just as you’re starting to brighten things up. I’m looking forward to actually having money again, certainly, but you have to understand how tragic it is that it comes at the detriment to my potential Vitamin D intake.
Though, come to think of it, if I’m going to blame you for all the time I spent in bed watching TV, I should also thank you a bit. Without the complete lack of desire to be out in the cold, I would never have gotten through all the seasons of Parenthood so quickly. I definitely wouldn’t have experienced James Van Der Beek’s comedic talent as shone through the short-lived Don’t Trust the B…
So, fine, thank you for that. But seriously, eff you for the rest of it.
Sara Percy Roan