In a Last Ditch Effort to Appeal to Southern Voters, Romney Campaign Secedes From the Union

Washington, D.C. – The Romney campaign, citing their inability to win a single southern state during the primaries, announced this week their intention to secede from the union. This shocking move marks the first time since 1861 that any entity has attempted to declare independence from the United States.

Romney announced his plans at an uncharacteristically frank campaign stop in Louisville, Kentucky: “Many people have made the claim that I am out of touch with the people in the South. Well guess what? My campaign is seceding from the Union. Booyah! How do you like me now?”

This is not the first time that the Romney Campaign has attempted unconventional tactics to appeal to southern voters. Last month, according to campaign insiders, Mitt Romney went on an “ill-advised” date with his sister, Cathy Romney.

“It was awkward,” one anonymous staffer stated. “It looked like neither of them wanted to be there. There was barely any conversation or even any eye contact. And when Mitt tried to call Cathy the next day, it became apparent that she had given him a fake number.”

Reached for comment, Romney’s campaign manager Matt Rhoades explained: “Look, it’s not the campaign we planned on running, but it should be clear to everyone by now that we will say and do whatever it takes to win the presidency.”

He continued,” If we need to secede, we need to secede. If that doesn’t work, we’ll start casually using the N-word in everyday conversation. Whatever it takes to win at least one damn Southern state, we’ll do it.”

Despite this new unorthodox approach, many are skeptical that this will have the result the Romney campaign wants.

“They’ve started wearing eye patches for some reason,” Virginia Senator Jim Webb said on CNN’s Situation Room. “I think they’ve confused Confederate soldiers and pirates. They clearly have no idea what they’re doing.”

However, Romney’s new campaign message does seem to be resonating with at least one southern state. Just hours ago, the South Carolina National Guard opened fire on Fort Sumter.

Photo Credit: Funny or Die


Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong feels very powerful when writing about himself in third person. He has started writing screenplays, novels, and a Highlander Rock Opera. He has been foiled in seeing these works reach their completion by acute voluntary carpal tunnel and the fact that he does not own the rights to Highlander. He currently resides in St Paul, MN, because he is frightened of sharks and wants to be as far away from the ocean without actually moving to space. He can be reached at