I Support Mitt Romney for President (and my cat is trying to kill me)


By Russ Jenkins 

This is a competitive primary season, but I am glad that all of the GOP candidates out there are better than our current “president“. While I would love to vote for all the overqualified candidates in the upcoming primary, I know I can’t (I tried to last year and it turned into this big thing).  And, being forced to choose just one of these very wonderful human beings, I feel I need to endorse Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney.There are a lot of reasons I support Romney.

First, jobs. We should have many more of them. As Romney himself said, “We are in the midst of yet another great American discussion about taxation. Perhaps no policy area has become more sensitive or controversial. At stake are two vital concerns for the American future: How will we generate sufficient revenue to balance our budget without discouraging economic activity, and will the burden of taxation fall equitably on all Americans?”

This is a critical point that our current president has failed to make. Obama is bad when it comes to jobs, and bad when it comes to stopping my cat from plotting his murderous revenge against me. My cat started out as a very nice kitty. I used to always whisper into her furry little ear, “Your a good kitty, and daddy loves you.” But at some point, post 2008, he has started to plan an intricate conspiracy to murder me. Now, while I would like to blame our current commander in chief for this, I think it has more to do with the flying saucer I saw over Tucson Arizona, on Feb 30th, 2008. But I digress.Romney is the only candidate that is looking out for us average folk. He has laid out a specific tax plan that the Obamintes would crap their pants about:

    • Maintain current tax rates on personal income
    • Maintain current tax rates on interest, dividends, and capital gains
    • Eliminate the death tax
    • Pursue a conservative overhaul of the tax system over the long term that includes lower, flatter rates on a broader base

See how simple that is? It makes total sense to everyday Americans like me. He wants to eliminate the death tax, a tax that no longer exists, in the same way my cat is trying to eliminate me.After the Tucson flying saucer abducted my cat and made it evil, he came to me in a dream. Mr. Kitty Feffers had clouds for arms and a harp for a tonguewhen he told me how the world was going to end. He said, “Go about your Mini Mart lifestyle!” (This is how I knew Mr. Feffers was evil; God would have known Mini Marts no longer exist.) “Take your best shot! Meow! Meow! Meow!” He just started screeching “meow” over and over again. It was then that I sprang awake in bed and realized that my cat had not been abducted by aliens and reprogrammed. This was much more diabolical. . .

But you know what is not diabolical? Mitt Romney’s foreign policy::

“Failed or failing states, like Somalia, Yemen, Afghanistan, and Pakistan are wracked by poverty, disease, internal strife, refugees, drugs, and crime. They are or can become safe-havens for terrorists, pirates, and other kinds of criminal networks. Their problems regularly spill across borders turning internal problems into regional and even global ones.”When I read that, all I could think was, “Mitt. You could not be more right. Except you left out the havens for terrorist, pirate cats.”

But, I can’t be too hard on Mitt. It’s not his fault Mr. Feffers is using telepathic communication to create a cloaking device so our future president is unaware of his existence. It’s this exact sort of telepathic voodoo that awoke me from my nightmare.All along I thought that the flying saucer that abducted my kitty had made him evil. But, as I came out of the spell, it finally became clear: Dear reader, this may shock you, but what happened is so simple, you’ll be surprised it didn’t occur to you first:

My cat was NOT abducted by aliens, but instead possessed by a demon who confused me into thinking I had seen a flying saucer over Tucson. When the demon had implanted its thought eggs into my brain, I saw visions of my cat foreseeing the end of the world as we knew it. Faced with this gruesome fate, Mr. Feffers started meowing for all he was worth. Unfortunately, Mr. Feffers forgot that a demon had taken over *his* soul and the meowing started to sound like sinister laughter. I grabbed the litter box (likely the source of his power), threw it out the door, and sent the evil back from whence it came.

Mitt’s campaign slogan says, “Believe in America.” And believe in me. Unless the disembodied soul of Mr. Feffers has taken possession of our bodies; in which ca……Ahsdsdbviubsdbvbusbousfb jlbljsdvb ljsdvjb lfsjblsvd…..

Meow.

Romney 2012.


Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong feels very powerful when writing about himself in third person. He has started writing screenplays, novels, and a Highlander Rock Opera. He has been foiled in seeing these works reach their completion by acute voluntary carpal tunnel and the fact that he does not own the rights to Highlander. He currently resides in St Paul, MN, because he is frightened of sharks and wants to be as far away from the ocean without actually moving to space. He can be reached at amaguirea@gmail.com. 

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