I Can Quit Making Beetles Whenever I Want

By God

God and Beetles

Look, I don’t think it was necessary for you guys to spring this intervention on me. I am the creator of the universe, the maker of all things. The planets, the trees, the narwhale–I made all that shit. Now, have I also made around 5 million different species of beetles? Yes, but if I felt like it, I could quit making beetles whenever I want.

Now, to someone who is not omnipotent, I could see how this might seem like I have a addiction to creating different kinds of beetles. People say that 25% of all life on earth is made of beetles. But those people are crazy; it’s more like 40%. However, what was the key word in all that? *People.* People think. Do you think I got to where I am by giving a shit about what people think? Nope. Not one bit. I made people too. Maybe all of you are just jealous I made only one type of person, and really went to town on beetle making.

But beetles are just so frickin cool! Ask Francis of Assisi. His favorite animal (and remember, this is guy who is pretty damn fond of animals), is the beetle! I swear to Me! He loves them; can’t get enough. Always praying about wanting more beetles. What am I to do? Just laugh in his face? Say, shut up Francis, I think four million beetles is enough? I wouldn’t say that, not when it comes to beetles.

Maybe you guys are worried about me because you just don’t have the facts about beetles. First off, they are everywhere on Beetlesearth. Literally everywhere. I can put them on any continent and they are totally chill about it. Oh, you don’t think that’s impressive? I can put them in the damn ocean. And they’re happy! So easy going! They’re all like, “No problem, God. Land, water, whatevs.” Not like that stupid penguin. I tried putting him in South America once and he freaked the fuck out.

Second, I can make them whatever color I want. Orange, purple, and mauve? Sure! Why the hell not? Like I’ve said, they’re just happy to be alive. But make a few thousand albino people? Bums everybody out.

And that’s just how awesome beetles on earth are. You guys don’t even know how awesome space beetles are. That’s right, assholes. I made space beetles. All kinds. There are entire planets that your idiot astronomers are “discovering” that are just giant, kick-ass beetles. Some “comets” you see flying by? Super-fast beetles. Just rocking through the universe.

So, yeah, I could quit making beetles if I wanted to. But why would I want to? Really, I created the entire universe just for my “Make 1 Billion Kinds of Beetles Before I Die” project. It’s literally the only thing on my bucket list. Let me ask you a question: Do you really want less beetles and existence? Because you can’t have both. Now leave me alone, I just got an idea for a new beetle.

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong feels very powerful when writing about himself in third person. He has started writing screenplays, novels, and a Highlander Rock Opera. He has been foiled in seeing these works reach their completion by acute voluntary carpal tunnel and the fact that he does not own the rights to Highlander. He currently resides in St Paul, MN, because he is frightened of sharks and wants to be as far away from the ocean without actually moving to space. He can be reached at amaguirea@gmail.com. 


  • lpg

    this might be my favorite article I’ve read