1. Tape pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on the refrigerator door. This will remind you of your goal and give you the willpower to not eat the Milky Way you have hidden in the crisper drawer. Tip: Choose models that look happy instead of ones with do-me eyes. This will be easier to explain to houseguests.
2. Make a shopping list of all the healthy foods on your diet. Then cross out the crap you will never actually eat including broccoli, broccoli sprouts, Brussels sprouts, celery, cabbage, kale, leeks and wheatgrass. This will save you money and keep food from rotting in the crisper drawer and ruining your hidden Milky Way.
3. Tape pictures of fat celebrities inside the refrigerator. Yes, inside the refrigerator. The fatter the better (or at least fatter than you). When the model pictures fail you—because you’ve set an unrealistic goal for yourself and you’re ready to give up on day 2 and eat the entire contents of the refrigerator including the bottle of ketchup you stopped using because you read on the Internet that ketchup has a lot of carbs—the fat celebrity pics will remind you that dieting is hard for everyone and you need to stay committed. Depending on how fat you are, Ke$ha, Rachel Ray, Melissa McCarthy and Gabourey Sidibe are good options.
4. Enroll in a nearby gym and do 40 minutes of cardio at least 4 times per week. This will kick your weight-loss efforts into high gear. Be sure to get some good workout tunes to help you zone out and forget how much you despise sports bras, stair climbers, ellipticals, treadmills and sweating. Tip: Choose a gym that’s open 24/7. That way you can run an extra 3 miles at 2 in the morning to burn off the 240 calories from the hidden Milky Way you ate as a reward for eating salad.
5. Invite friends over for a girls’ night so they can tell you you’re not a pear-shaped freak and you don’t need to lose a pound. Together, throw out all of the pictures because you agree that this behavior reflects society’s unhealthy obsession with weight, and looks aren’t the most important thing in the world. Celebrate your newfound acceptance with Milky Ways.
6. Wait 2–4 weeks. Repeat.
Check with your healthcare provider before beginning a new diet or exercise program. Laser Child is not a medical professional, but she is pear-shaped and has successfully used this program.