How to Open a School For Disadvantaged Parrots

In everyone’s life there comes a time when there is a strong desire to build something lasting. A time when a person no longer wants to not just enjoy their own life but also give something back to the world.

I have reached that point, and I want to give the world a Parroting School.

Fact: There are zero Parroting Schools in the world today.

Fact: Parrots name their babies Click here and read this little mind blowing article from Mental Floss. 

Fact: My parroting School will be the first and greatest parroting school of all time.



Like all great dreams (Man on the moon, Mount Rushmore, The Hanson Brother’s Reunion Tour), I need to first build my castle in the sky and then work hard to build the stairs to meet them. My parroting school castle is already in the sky (so presumably, parrots can already reach it). But for me to reach it, I have laid out the following 17 point plan.


Parroting School To Do List

  1. Open parroting school for disadvantaged parrots
  2. Teach those parrots micro-finance and genetics
  3. Teach them not to be socially awkward (we all know that social awkwardness is a huge problem amongst parrots)
  4. Teach them about safe parrot sex—never in midair, never near open flame or in sight of humans and parrot chicks.
  5. Get a celebrity (Angelina Jolie obviously) to endorse parroting school and make it trendy for celebrities to own pet parrots.
  6. Kick out all the poor, disadvantaged parrots from my school
  7. Make school an elite school marketed to rich people’s parrots only
  8. Become rich off high enrollment cost of parrots in my school
  9. Open a study abroad program exchange program for parrots so that they can become cultured
  10. Use exchange program as a springboard to become an advocate against parrots who discriminate against parrots of different colored plumage.
  11. $$$Make it rain!
  12. Buy yacht
  13. Teach parrots to sail my yacht and pay them competitive parrot wages (They’re very low!)
  14. Make one parrot my first mate
  15. Call him Danny
  16. Teach him to be my wing man and to hit on women in over seven languages
  17. $$$Make it rain!

Though this will be the first parrot school of its kind, I am not the first person to have seen the value in helping parrots. When we build up parrots, we build up ourselves and change the world. Here’s what some famous people throughout history have had to say about parrot:

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed parrots can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”

-Margaret Mead

“The greatest gift is a portion of thy parrot.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

“When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of a parrot.”

— Helen Keller

“It is every parrot’s obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he/she takes out of it.”

— Albert Einstein

“Giving is true parrot loving.”

— Charles H. Spurgeon

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Luke Maguire Armstrong

Oh Luke Maguire Armstrong knows the Muffin Man. Oh yes, he knows the Muffin man. Luke is an author/musician, raccoon survivor, who has done educational development work in Central America, The Bronx, and Kenya. His work to battle infant malnutrition was featured on ABC News 20/20. He has never fought a bear and is the author of four books, including "How We Are Human" and "iPoems for the Dolphins to Click Home About." Read his bullshit at or follow him @LukeSpartacus and he will sing you songs. 


  • Tom Jenkins

    What type of awesome it this?