Higgs Boson Arraigned on DUI, Battery Charges


Boson Battery

Six months after its discovery by the European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, the Higgs boson was arraigned on charges of assault and battery and driving under the influence earlier this morning.

Critically acclaimed as “the missing piece of the theory of everything” and “the God particle,” the boson seemed humbled and restrained as the Los Angeles County Superior Court read out the charges. It wore a pair of dark Oakley sunglasses and a sweater that rendered the subatomic particle almost visible to the naked eye.

The boson was discovered by two teams of over 3,000 physicists each at CERN ’s  Large Hadron Collider. Though its existence had been predicted by British physicist Peter Higgs as far back as 1964, the particle’s discovery rocked the scientific world.

“It was a great day for science, the day we discovered that particle,” said physicist Sean Carroll of the California Institute of Technology. “The revelation of her existence gave us a big leg up in solving several fundamental mysteries of the universe—why matter has mass, for example.”

“Not only that, but she has a great singing voice, too,” Carroll added.

“When we first saw [Higgs], we suspected she was one in a trillion,” said Joe Incandela, head of one of the research teams which found the God particle. “Hell, we knew she was one in a trillion. We spent ten billion U.S. dollars to build that 27-kilometer tunnel beneath the Swiss border, and then we had to smash fuck-knows-how-many atoms together to get her to pop out. Precise conditions have to be met in order to reproduce the extreme surges of energy similar to the first 1-2 trillionths of a second following the Big Bang. And out of that came Higgs. It was meant to be. Her meteoric rise to stardom was foreordained.”

That meteoric rise was abruptly halted in August, when the Higgs boson attended the premiere of Elysium at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood. At the after-party at Mel Gibson’s Malibu home, the subatomic particle became intoxicated, assaulted fellow party-goer Ryan Seacrest, and then got into its car and drove away. A few minutes later, the boson was pulled over on a stretch of the Pacific Coast Highway near Santa Monica and arrested.

“Man, she’s a little firecracker,” said Zach Galifianakis, who witnessed the God particle’s attack on Seacrest. “She drank Leonard Nimoy under the table, and then she went and had some Jell-O shots at the bar with Benicio del Toro. Then she got hot and bothered and threw down on Ryan. She’s got a mean left hook, that particle. Ryan didn’t have a chance. She was all over him like she was Torrie Wilson or something. Called him a cunt and a shitbrick, kicked him in the nads, and then stormed out.”

Reaction to the Higgs boson’s actions has been mixed. Many of its more zealous fans are inclined to be forgiving, or are even convinced of the particle’s innocence.

“I just can’t believe she’d do such a thing,” said Jenna Housman, 18, of Seal Beach. “It’s totally out of character for her. You see her on TV or woven into the minute fabric of the universe and she’s always so cheerful and temperate. She makes people happy and she gives mass to fundamental atomic particles, binding the warp and woof of reality into a cohesive whole. How could she kick Ryan Seacrest in the man-marbles?”

“I ask you, how?” Housman concluded.

Other voices, however, were far less sympathetic.

“This is just another link in the chain,” stated the Most Reverend José H. Gómez, Archbishop of Los Angeles. “It’s another starlet coasting along on fame and glory, projecting the image of purity and modesty, and then corrupted by the sins of the flesh. What the Higgs boson did is unforgivable. She toyed with the hopes and dreams of a generation of young girls and then dashed them to pieces with her indiscretions. It’s absolutely sickening. I’m sure there’s a hell waiting for that so-called ‘God particle’ where she will continue to underpin the very existence of matter in the universe for all eternity.”

“My daughter loved the Higgs boson,” said Laszlo Barany, 35, a native of Burbank and father of two. “She looked up to her, treated her like an idol. Now my daughter’s heartbroken and confused, and what do I tell her? That all subatomic particles are doomed to become drunks and junkies and make fools of themselves on television? That this kind of thing happens to every rising starlet and fermion in Los Angeles—Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus, the quark, the lepton, the antiquark and the antilepton? That no theoretical particle meant to revolutionize our understanding of the properties of matter has ever moved to Los Angeles to pursue a singing career and come out whole and intact?”

“I can’t tell her that, she’d cry,” Barany added.

“Is this the kind of universe we live in?” asked Meredith de Soto, 36, a Van Nuys resident and mother of three. “A universe where our children are influenced by immature young girls and elementary particles who go to boozy parties, drive their cars into telephone poles, wear immodest clothing, twerk, and validate the Standard Model of particle physics? If it is, then I don’t want to live in it.

The Higgs boson’s court date is set for October 3.

Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post

Andrew T. Post graduated from North Dakota State University in December of 2007, when the weather was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick. He took his degree in journalism and put it to good use, penning sententious articles on his blog and works of short science fiction. In early 2012 he packed his bags and sought occupational asylum in the Republic of South Korea, where he lives in a ninth-floor apartment and works as an English teacher. He is a licensed pilot, a classically-trained bartender, and an unapologetic punster whose first novel is currently seeking a venue.