In an exclusive interview with Rabble Rouse The World, God conceded Thursday that He had “really messed up” in His creation and supervision of the Middle East.
“I flubbed it,” stated the Supreme Being, shuffling His feet. “I mean, yes, it was my first major geopolitical creation, after all. But I wanted it to be special. After all, I’d planned for it to be the cradle of humanity, the Holy Land, sacred ground for a race of beings sculpted in my own image. I was obsessed with getting it all perfect. I got hung up on the details right off the bat, and that’s where things began to go downhill.”
The all-seeing and all-knowing divinity went on to add that there seemed to be “No solution in sight.”
Though the ecosystem and environment of the Middle East received scant attention, the concepts which the Lord did choose to focus His attention on—creating a strong spiritual culture and selecting a chosen people—largely backfired.
“The Sumerians were a complete write-off,” God stated bluntly. “Took to worshipping somebody named Gilgamesh or Enkidu or some hogwash like that. The Babylonians and Akkadians weren’t much better, and the Egyptians—Christ, don’t even get me started. But I kept believing in the Middle East. I figured eventually one of these races was bound to put down its chisels and adzes and start thinking about the wider issues of life, the universe and everything.
The Muslims have always been hardcore about me. The Jews were even better, but they still didn’t have their heads on straight. That whole ‘eye for an eye’ thing doesn’t really fit into my master plan for Starship Earth, you know? The Muslims have always been way too overzealous. I mean, they had it in for everybody: Hittites, Coptics, Jews, Romans, Greeks, Scythians,Sesame Street, animists, pantheists. They’d kill ‘em all. I was wound up pretty tight after that whole affair with Moses and the Ten Commandments, and the Muslims were the last straw. So finally I fathered a son down there to try to straighten things out.”
Following this statement, the Supreme Being sighed and massaged His temples.
“Worst mistake of my life,” He continued. “Not only did the Romans nail him to a tree, but suddenly a third major religion had sprung up out of nowhere. And the Christians, Jews and Muslims have been going at it ever since.”
The Creator pinched the bridge of His nose between His fingers and rubbed vigorously.
“What’s it been, now, two thousand years?” He groaned, slapping His forehead.
The Great Architect went on to say that He “might as well admit when [He’d] made a mistake” and that He had taken a lesson in His failure with the Middle East, applying it to ensuing continents.
“I didn’t do so well with Africa, either,” the Sustainer commented. “I thought if the humans just had more room to grow, and a few nice pretty jungles and mountains to frolic in, they wouldn’t fight so much. Boy was I barking up the wrong tree.”
God brightened visibly, however, in describing his work with Asia, Europe and particularly North America.
“Sure, they’ve all had their share of wars,” He-Whose-Name-Shall-Not-Be-Uttered said, “but at least they’ve had breaks in between. And there have been some remarkable cultural and technological developments even I hadn’t foreseen.”
God held up an iPhone and grinned broadly.
“Gotta hand it to Steve Jobs,” He said. “Say, what’s he been up to lately?”