TACOMA, WA – After years of faithful service, the Mueller family’s loyal pet dog, Champ, a four-year-old St. Bernard, officially came out of the closet as a cat.
The purebred made the announcement on Sunday as the family watched the Bears-Steelers football game. Standing in the hallway and vacillating, the courageous pooch finally walked into the room at halftime, stood in front of the television and cleared his throat.
“Excuse me, everyone,” he said. “I have an important announcement to make.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and who I really am deep down inside,” the brave canine continued. “I’ve decided that I no longer wish to live as a dog. From henceforth, I’m going to be true to myself. My true identity is feline. From this day forward I want you to consider me a cat.”
Becoming bolder by the minute, Champ explained that it was time to stop living the lie that he’d perpetuated for the last four years, and that after many hours of soul-searching he had decided that this was the best course of action to take, and that from now on he wished to be called “Muffins.”
The Mueller family’s reaction was one of shock and reluctant acceptance.
“I mean, he’s a member of this family, and we’ve supported him in everything,” said Robert Mueller, 42. “It was very brave of him to come out and tell us like this. But it’s very sudden. It’ll take a while for us to get our heads around it.”
“It’s going to be a difficult adjustment,” added Loren Mueller, 40. “I’m not sure I like the idea of our children being exposed to these different attitudes and perceptions, but the only alternative would be the unthinkable: to cast Champ—uh, Muffins—out of our home. That’s not going to happen. We’re going to remain a strong family. I’m going out later today to buy him a litter box and a collar with a bell on it.”
“I might not tell the clerks that they’re for a dog, though,” Loren added, running a hand through her hair and averting her eyes.
The Mueller children seemed less surprised by Muffins’s announcement, but they displayed signs of discomfort as they discussed the implications of the family dog’s transition from dog to cat.
“It’s so weird,” stated Courtney Mueller, 15, folding her arms and scrunching up in her chair. “I mean, I have some friends in school who are gay, so I guess I’m a little used to being around people who swing that way, but like, living in the same house with one? Wowzer. And, like, having him eat cat food and purr and jump up in the window to watch the birds on the front lawn? So weird.”
“This is going to be kind of strange, is all,” said Toby Mueller, 17. “I mean, he’s a dog. And now he’s going to be acting like a cat all the time. He will be a cat, I guess. We’re going to have to get used to him meowing when he’s hungry and scratching the furniture and jumping into our laps for pets and pooping in a box in the laundry room. It’s going to be tough.”
At press time, the Mueller family was installing a “doggie door” in the back door of their home, leading out onto the spacious rear lawn. The litter box, scratching post and mouse toys were already set up in various rooms. Muffins seemed intensely relieved by his loving family’s reaction.
“They seem to be taking it well,” he said, licking his front paw and cleaning his right ear. “I’ll try to do my part to make things easier for them. You know, easing into the felineness and all. A meow here, a few scratches on the leather couch, nothing too big.”
“I’m just wondering when I can bring my Siamese boyfriend home and introduce him to everyone,” he added.