Letters

Letter to the Calorie Counting App on My iPhone

Calorie Counter

Dear Calorie Counting App on My iPhone I still cannot believe I opened myself up to you. Really, the wedding is to blame, and probably Society a little bit, what with its unrealistic expectations of women and whatnot. But I pride myself on not giving in to peer pressure, so mainly it’s the wedding. You…

Easter Bunny To Kids: Stop Stealing My Eggs!

Vintage-Easter-Bunny-Card

Hey Kids, It’s me, your neighborhood Easter Bunny, and I just have one thing to say to you this Easter: LEAVE. MY EGGS. THE FUNK. ALONE. Let me explain to you how things work around here. Paying customers call me when they need a candy fix.  I hippity hop around the streets, leaving eggs filled…

Letter to Spring

Image Credit: http://favim.com/

Dear Spring, Welcome! Sure, your wind and rain seem a bit perverse considering how long we had to wait for you to come around, but your presence is still greatly appreciated. Flowers beginning to bloom and cool sunshine, what a joy! You’ve also brought me a job. Oh, Spring, as much as unemployment was the…

Open Apology Letter to my Unborn Children

Flickr Creative Commons: Mike Baird

Dear Luke and Leia, Let me first answer the question I know has been plaguing you for a long time. No, you are not named after Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, not directly anyway. In fact, you are named after a throw away joke from the TV series “How I met Your Mother.” I thought…

An Open Letter To J. K. Rowling

Letter To JK Rowling

Dear J.K. Rowling, I would like to first thank you for the seven contributions you made to my youth. Here, at the twilight of my 20s, I have decided to return to the world of Harry Potter. I was no less magical. However, I did find it more terrifying. J. K. Rowling, talk Time Turners…

Open Letter to Developers of Dog Clothes

Dog Clothes

Dear Whoever Designs Dog Clothes, Though I am sure there are some of you out there with the dogs’ interests at heart—and the ability to translate that into decent gear—I don’t have the time to research each and every canine clothing designer, so all of you should read this. Once you do, you’ll know if…

An Open Letter To Middle Schoolers

Middle-schoolers-experience-college-life-for-a-day

Dear Middle Schoolers, This letter also applies to those of you who identify as “Junior High Schoolers,” so please do not disregard it if you are now thinking, “Middle Schooler? What’s that? Not me!” Are you between the ages of 11 and 14? Then this note is for you. And, trust me, you’re going to…

A Note to My Loyal Minions

minions

Dear Loyal Minions, Lately, you haven’t been very loyal and you haven’t been very good minions either. I mean, sometimes you give me mad love like when you shared my letter to my future offspring all over Facebook. It was pretty good stuff, so I wasn’t surprised. But for the last few weeks it seems…

An Open Letter to the Occupants of 145 Alumni Row Regarding the Deplorable Condition of my Litter Box

three-legged-cat-776342

Dear Sirs: Some years ago, I arrived at 145 Alumni Row, disoriented and gravely injured after having been involved in a serious accident involving a large brush cutter that had been negligently operated by a member of the University’s grounds-keeping staff. Thankfully, your predecessors at this house took me in, provided me with some crude…

An Open Letter to Kanye and Kim AKA Kimye,

kimye-baby

 The nation is sure you’re both aware of the anticipation you’re holding everyone in, and frankly your continued concealment of North West is negatively affecting the state of our union. Promptly unveiling Prince George mere days after his birth, Will and Kate expeditiously upstaged Kimye and the U.S. by introducing their countrymen and women to…

An Open Letter to My Grocer

Grocery Store NYC

To Whom it May Concern: First, let me commend you. As grocery stores go, yours is among the best. The selection of produce, frozen foods, cheeses, and toiletries is unparalleled, especially since you offer these goods at such competitive prices. Sure, your location is somewhat inconvenient, which forces me to take my groceries on the…

An Open Letter To My Gym

Lucille Roberts

I’m sorry, but I thought we were in Zumba to get some exercise, not watch some solo sex choreography. Dear Lucille Roberts, Let me please preface this by clarifying: this is a letter for Lucille Roberts the lady gym, not Lucille Roberts the lady. I repeat—this is for the company not the individual. The Internet…

I Can Quit Making Beetles Whenever I Want

God and Beetles

By God Look, I don’t think it was necessary for you guys to spring this intervention on me. I am the creator of the universe, the maker of all things. The planets, the trees, the narwhale–I made all that shit. Now, have I also made around 5 million different species of beetles? Yes, but if…

An Open Letter to a Chelsea Beggar

Homeless Guy With Sign

 Dear Sir,  I saw you on my way to work today, I believe at the corner of 24th Street and 6th Avenue. I don’t often read the signs since I’m afraid my slowing down to read might be misconstrued as an interest in donating. I was, however, able to catch some of your post in…

An Open Letter to Tequila

tequila-shot

Tequila, you dirty, abusive spouse we promised, pinky swore, declared by pouring holy water on every dead relative’s grave stone, to handle you like toxic waste, how have you slithered you way into our lives again.  Sure, you promise that this time things will be different. That the vomiting taste will not wake up the…

An Open Letter To My Plastic Surgeon

hospital

Dear Dr. Débaclé, I am writing to you in the hopes that we can settle the matter of you seriously botching the surgery I had with you. I don’t think we need to bring attorneys or health insurance companies into this as long as I never have to work again.  Also, I think you’ll agree that you…

Happy Thanksgiving From Rabble Rouse The World

Rabble Rouse The World Thanksgiving Message

    Dear lovely users of Facebook,  Stop posting all this hate about the fact that corporate businesses are open on Thanksgiving. Remember, it’s their job to be cut-throat, uncaring and unfortunate.  But do keep hating on people who shop at these businesses on Thanksgiving, who prove to the corporate “deciders” that opening on Thanksgiving…

Play by A. R. Ammons

A few days ago I visited a friend of mine in Ottawa. I hadn’t seen him since I met him five years ago when we were both traveling in Nicaragua. I’ve been thinking about something he said on the visit. His New Year’s resolution this year was to fail. Meaning, he decided he was going…

5 Ways To Keep Mormons Out Of Your House

1. Answer the door wearing only your magic (invisible) underwear. 2. Tell them they are just in time to help you sacrifice the goat the Beelzebub and that if they’d just follow you to the living room you’d get them a chalice of dog blood and the ceremony can begin. 3. Introduce them to your…

The End of Owning

This excerpt is from a mass email that I sent out to friends and family December, 2007. It was written shortly after I’d ditched everything I owned that didn’t fit in a backpack and set out from Chile with the goal of hitch-hiking to Alaska. I recently revisited the email while writing an article for…

Tao Te Ching 2: TEN

Hello my students. It’s me, Lao Tzu. Though it has been many years since I have updated my classic work the Tao Te Ching, it is time for me to write a new version for our modern times.  In the coming weeks I will be rewriting and releasing all 81 sections.  Please pay careful attention…

Gracias To The Lost Girls

The Expeditioner’s Guide to The World has been compared to the Bible. The comparison went like this, “The Bible is a very old religious book from multiple authors. The Expeditioner’s Guide to the World is a modern travel anthology also written by multiple authors.” Today, The Lost Girls, authors of another awesome,  eponymously titled travel book featured an…

Humans Unite

Rabble Rouse For Good:  From Charlie Chaplin’s film “The Great Dictator”. As applicable as ever.  

NDSU True

I saw this on CollegeHumor.com, having gone to NDSU, this rings true… if it was not for our sports teams…. there wouldn’t have been a  lot of diversity…