Humor

What is Ello?

New Social Network Ello

“But what is Ello?” you ask when the barroom table erupts into witticisms about it. “What is Ello?” ask Catee, laughing into her neat scotch. Everyone at your table starts giggling and, ashamed, you grab your pack of American Spirit rolling tobacco and run out into the night to catch the L train, vowing to never…

Which Game of Thrones Character am I?

women-of-westeros

There is one question that a girl can ask that is guaranteed to start a fight with her and her significant other. No, it’s not “Do I look fat in this?” although I’m shocked that father’s don’t pull their sons aside at a young age and tell them the best way to answer this without getting…

How To Have The Most Fun Ever On Instagram

Instagram Cat

Are apes not acting out anymore, or has the entire world decided to leave this hilarious behavior off Instagram? By my calculations, I’ve spent sixty hours in a van in less than two weeks. I haven’t been kidnapped again, just on tour. So to pass the game, I’ve invented a game involving Instagram. It’s a…

Summer In Chicago

Montrose Avenue Beach. Photo by of Juan Carlos Martin-Loeches via Flickr.

Summer in Chicago The arrival of summer in Chicago means a couple of things to me. Firstly, it means that I’ve aged another year. I’ve actually begun telling people that I am older than my real age, so that they gasp and tell me how great I look for my age. “You don’t look 41!”,…

Thanks a Latte, Starbucks

Thanks a Latte Starbucks

When trying to find the perfect second job, I thought I wanted to work somewhere stress free, and most of all, happy. A place where I could forget the monotony of my day, and forget that I was actually being paid to be there. The happiest place on earth, AKA Disneyland, was 3,000 miles away,…

Letter to the Calorie Counting App on My iPhone

Calorie Counter

Dear Calorie Counting App on My iPhone I still cannot believe I opened myself up to you. Really, the wedding is to blame, and probably Society a little bit, what with its unrealistic expectations of women and whatnot. But I pride myself on not giving in to peer pressure, so mainly it’s the wedding. You…

How To Survive: Re-entering the Workforce

792990550_1382662424

Yes, the rumors you’ve heard are true—I am a working woman once again. Now that I’ve braved a few weeks behind a new desk, I’m here to offer my guidance for anyone else looking to reenter the fickle world of employment. Sure, I was only without a job for a little over a month, but…

Fly the Unfriendly Skies

dv2074018

I think some people take their freedom and liberties for granted in this beautiful country of ours. While some people are able to check in for their flights online and glide through security, I am the one being sniffed by a German Shepherd, laying on the ground with my hands above my head. At first,…

Five Things You Can’t Do at a Concert at 30

263605_2130415784750_7345699_n

An eccentric person once said “with age comes wisdom”, while another one sang “act your age not your shoe size.”  Words to live by, or may hear when you don’t. That being said, just because your age demographic now falls in the 30+ bracket, it doesn’t make you old and boring. It also doesn’t mean…

Easter Bunny To Kids: Stop Stealing My Eggs!

Vintage-Easter-Bunny-Card

Hey Kids, It’s me, your neighborhood Easter Bunny, and I just have one thing to say to you this Easter: LEAVE. MY EGGS. THE FUNK. ALONE. Let me explain to you how things work around here. Paying customers call me when they need a candy fix.  I hippity hop around the streets, leaving eggs filled…

Kiss Me Through the Phone: On Online Dating Apps

Got-a-match

The other day, my friend Anna and I were talking about a date that she had recently suffered through. Anna had met this boy on an online dating app on her phone, and she was skeptical about meeting up with him at all in the first place. On his profile for the app, he looked…

Things You Should Know About Dog Adoption

Pet Adoption

So you think you are ready to adopt a dog? I’m here to tell you how to prepare for the arduous screening process that awaits you. This isn’t some “find the cutest puppy and live happily ever after” type of fairy tale. The process is as intense and selective as adopting a white baby in…

Boy-Scouting and Sex Appeal

bl2502

My friends and I have lots of interests, but one interest in particular surpasses all the others: men. We love men. Every day, we meet up for lunch in a café on campus, and we eat and observe. I like to call it “boy-scouting.” We each have our own type, and some of the men…

Letter to Spring

Image Credit: http://favim.com/

Dear Spring, Welcome! Sure, your wind and rain seem a bit perverse considering how long we had to wait for you to come around, but your presence is still greatly appreciated. Flowers beginning to bloom and cool sunshine, what a joy! You’ve also brought me a job. Oh, Spring, as much as unemployment was the…

Open Apology Letter to my Unborn Children

Flickr Creative Commons: Mike Baird

Dear Luke and Leia, Let me first answer the question I know has been plaguing you for a long time. No, you are not named after Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, not directly anyway. In fact, you are named after a throw away joke from the TV series “How I met Your Mother.” I thought…

Babysitting Sir-Wets-a-Lot and His Six Friends

babysitting

I’ve never been so broke in my life as I was when living in Philadelphia.  My parking tickets exceeded my income.  I decided that babysitting was my answer.   The problem was nobody had a reason to trust me with their children.  So I falsified my credentials in an ad on Craig’s List. It inferred…

On Finding a Gay Best Friend

Credit: Flickr Creative Commons: rthustler1

The other day when I was in my European History class, I was scrolling away the minutes on Twitter when I came across a tweet from a girl I used to know in a town I used to live in. It read, “I would do anything to have a gay best friend!!! They look like…

Little Drone Strike on the Prairie

Little Drone Strike On the Praire

“And God bless Laura, Mary, Carrie, and Grace,” Pa continued with his prayers, not blinking an eye, as a barn exploded in the distance. My family, The Ingalls, are no strangers to things being blown up.  The year is 1874, we live on a prairie, and the US is conducting drone strikes on said prairie.…

How to Survive: Daytime Television (In Person)

DaytimeTV_2

Unemployment is getting weird. You all know how hard I’ve been avoiding daytime television, right? Well I lost my battle, kind of. Thanks to an ad on craigslist, I actually participated in it as an audience member. I’m not going to name names, but there’s a man out there who is basically the conservative poor…

5 Things I Think I Know About Australia

800px-Flag_of_Australia.svg

by Isaac Lai Spoiler alert: I definitely don’t know the second verse of the national anthem. I know the first line (beneath the radiant southern cross), which already puts me in the upper echelon of patriotic Australians even though I look like a waiter at a Chinese restaurant. I was born in Australia and have…

An Open Letter To J. K. Rowling

Letter To JK Rowling

Dear J.K. Rowling, I would like to first thank you for the seven contributions you made to my youth. Here, at the twilight of my 20s, I have decided to return to the world of Harry Potter. I was no less magical. However, I did find it more terrifying. J. K. Rowling, talk Time Turners…

Victorious Kim Jong-Un Disturbed by Close Election; Defeated Kim Jong-Un Demands Recount

Kim Jong-Un Victorious

PYONGYANG—Stating that he felt “disturbed” and “insecure” about the results of North Korea’s parliamentary elections last weekend, Kim Jong-un took to the floor of the Supreme People’s Assembly yesterday to voice his concerns to the ruling Worker’s Party. “We have won a decisive victory for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea,” Kim stated from the…

Living the Dream

Living the Dream

I am living the dream. It’s the beginning of my third week of unemployment and, I must say, it’s about as amazing as I thought it would be. Sure, there are moments of self-doubt and intense financial worries, but that happens even when I have a job! I’ve wanted this so badly for so long…

Throwing Like A Girl: A Memoir

Image Credit: krazykingdom.blogspot.com

I was recently reminded of a fun little incident from my youth throwing like a girl the other day after seeing a young girl at the park playing football with the boys. When I was 11 we used to have recess outside after lunch because they would close off the school block for twenty minutes. …

Sara Roan’s 3 Ways to Survive Unemployment

unemployed

I have now found myself in the trenches of Unemployment: Day 1. Last week we were on the train chatting about romance, this week I have no income—what a wild ride this thing called life is! Now before you worry too much, I knew this day was coming. In fact, it was I who chose…

Our Engagement Story

VH1.com

Here I am, riding a train on Valentine’s Day. By the time you read this it will no longer be Valentine’s Day, but that’s ok. I imagine romance is still be lingering wherever you are and will be in the air for weeks to come, because that’s what V Day does, right? It makes people…

Open Letter to Developers of Dog Clothes

Dog Clothes

Dear Whoever Designs Dog Clothes, Though I am sure there are some of you out there with the dogs’ interests at heart—and the ability to translate that into decent gear—I don’t have the time to research each and every canine clothing designer, so all of you should read this. Once you do, you’ll know if…

Higgs Boson Arraigned on DUI, Battery Charges

Boson Battery

  Six months after its discovery by the European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, the Higgs boson was arraigned on charges of assault and battery and driving under the influence earlier this morning. Critically acclaimed as “the missing piece of the theory of everything” and “the God particle,” the boson seemed humbled and restrained…

Point/Counterpoint: Stuffed Animals

Stuffed Animals

  Friend or foe? Lovely plaything or frivolous attachment? Adorable or creepy? Stuffed animals mean so many different things to so many different people…even different things to the same person at different times in his or her life. Welcome to another installment of Point/Counterpoint, wherein I debate the merits of stuffed animals with a younger…

How to Survive: Traveling with a Dog

dog-with-suitcase2

As you are likely aware, dogs can be real assholes. They pee on lots of things, bark at everything else, and chew stuff that doesn’t belong to them. Sometimes, though, you find a real cute one. You are blinded by his powerful puppy stare, the panting tongue-wagging smile, and promise of unconditional love. You temporarily…

Parroting School

parrot school copy

In everyone’s life there comes a time when there is a strong desire to build something lasting. A time when a person no longer wants to not just enjoy their own life but also give something back to the world. I have reached that point, and I want to give the world a Parroting School.…

Why New Year’s Resolutions Are So Last Year

Happy New Year from Sara Roan

And we’re back! Happy week after the week after New Year’s Eve! These past two weeks are likely the most depressing of the year, rivaled only by any week that occurs in March. Oh holidays are over? And the weather is horrendous? And I don’t have the promise of any actual vacation time until summer,…

Houseguests: An Evolution

Houseguest

I believe a person reaches a certain age when the difference between letting someone crash at your place and having a houseguest becomes distinct. It just so happens that at this age you’re also expected to start having a lot more of the latter and a lot less of the former. I haven’t been able…

3 Horrible Life Lessons Rudolph Teaches Our Kids

ht_rudolph_red_nosed_reindeer_nt_121218_wg

  It’s holiday time once again, which means everyone’s favorite Christmas specials will be appearing all over ABC family.  These shows were meant to teach kids the “true meaning of Christmas” and not to be greedy little bastards when it comes to gifts.  But I came to the realization last year that one Christmas special…

Engagement Expectations

Engaged

Hey everyone, guess what? I’ve gone and gotten myself engaged. I said it before, I’ll say it again: I’m not sure how I got this fellow to stick around, let alone put a ring on it. But he has and it’s all very exciting. In exchange, I’ll give him the gift of waiting a couple…

Living Well

the-good-life_wide_t_nv

I don’t think I live a healthy lifestyle. In fact, I’m positive I don’t.  I can’t cook for myself because I never had the time to learn and it has led me to feed on the garbage that diners and deli’s serve up for most of my meals.  It makes sense as to why my…

Breakdown: Investigative Television

Investigative TV

Apparently it’s the end of November! Cold weather is here, colder weather is coming, and with it the diminishing desire to leave your house. You’re starting to seek out activities that you can do in the warm confines of your home, perhaps while wearing your favorite pajamas (perhaps things that don’t require you to take…

What You Need To Read Before You Go Gift Shopping

xmas group copy

By Aaron and Luke Maguire Armstrong It’s that time of year again (No, not your axe murdering second cousin Carl’s annual parole hearing, we mean it’s the season of giving). And added to the stresses of the holidays, is the burden of needing to buy meaningful gifts for your loved ones (Carl will not be…

An Open Letter To Middle Schoolers

Middle-schoolers-experience-college-life-for-a-day

Dear Middle Schoolers, This letter also applies to those of you who identify as “Junior High Schoolers,” so please do not disregard it if you are now thinking, “Middle Schooler? What’s that? Not me!” Are you between the ages of 11 and 14? Then this note is for you. And, trust me, you’re going to…

How the Ad for My Current NYC Sublet Should Have Read

o-WORST-ROOM-NEW-YORK-CITY-NETHERY-facebook

Are you an NYC infant only seven months off the boat? Still painfully broke and abruptly displaced from your last apartment? Want to add insult to that brutality and get even more ripped off than you did for that room with the black industrial sheet for a wall? We have a spacious room for $800,…

Point/Counterpoint Follow-Up: Fashion

20130629-114510

Young Sara finally got around to reading the last installment of Point/Counterpoint and has a bone to pick with Old Sara… I welcome you to read the strange argument I have with myself as a result.   Sara Roan, age 11 Longmeadow, MA To be honest, I’m still in shock over the revelations made regarding…

Billy Williams Applies to College

University of Dreams

    Dear DSU, CC: Dean of Psychology   Something that I have always found interesting about studying psychology is that behind every idea there is a person, and behind every person there is a life. I have always been very interested in people. Namely, women. It amazes me the diversity of body type and…

Please Don’t Ruin Thanksgiving

thanksgiving dinner

Today, exactly three weeks before Thanksgiving, marks the official beginning of Thanksgiving planning, and the unofficial assault on the greatest holiday ever created. Low-fat turkey gravy. Low-carb turkey stuffing. Sugar-free cranberry dressing. What. The. Hell. Beyond the historical significance taught to all second graders, resonated by pilgrim salt and pepper shakers on tables across America,…

Guys, I’m Growing Up!

tech+grandparents_0d5e3e_4254708

From the way I talk (write), it might seem like I’ve taken some steps backward in terms of becoming a full-fledged adult—you know, with a real job and practical goals for my future. I can assure you, however, that that is certainly not the case. Why, just this past weekend I was repeatedly, subtly slapped…

Reuben Sandwich On Aristotle

Rubin Sandwhich Aristotle

ASHTABULA, OH – Aristotelianism, the tradition of philosophy which owes its major tenets to the works of Aristotle, is the foundation of all modern philosophy and religion, according to half of a moldy Reuben sandwich in the back of Steve Garret’s refrigerator.    According to the eight-ounce portion of bread, corned beef, Swiss cheese, Thousand…

The Price of Free Things

Free Stuff

Folks, this week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about free things—free food, free drink, free stuff—and I’ve decided that it’s all bad. I imagine that most people in the general public might disagree. “Sara,” they’ll all say, “surely free food, free drink, and free stuff… these are good things!” Until very recently I…

How To Tell If You Have A “Teacher Face”

teacher

Apparently, I have teacher face. Teacher face occurs when strangers assume you are a teacher, in my case a second grade elementary school teacher. Everywhere I go people assume I am a sweet, innocent woman who likes reading in the park while drinking tea. And while I do like tea and The Color Purple, that…

Alien Newscaster Says “Zurchy” On INtergalactic Television

Alien Swearing

ANDROMEDA GALAXY – Ziegeildler Zoundsbracket, nightly news anchor for KINT Interstellar News, actually said the word “zurchy” during a live television broadcast last night. According to Nielsen, approximately 280 trillion beings overheard the foul curse word during the three-minute broadcast, which was directed at KINT’s partner stations in the Milky Way Galaxy some 2.5 million…

A Note to My Loyal Minions

minions

Dear Loyal Minions, Lately, you haven’t been very loyal and you haven’t been very good minions either. I mean, sometimes you give me mad love like when you shared my letter to my future offspring all over Facebook. It was pretty good stuff, so I wasn’t surprised. But for the last few weeks it seems…

Area Man in High-Speed Chase Driving Car He Definitely Stole

high-speed-police-chase

LOS ANGELES, CA – Recently paroled felon Jacob Madura, resident of Hemet, is currently involved in a high-speed chase with police officers along California Interstate 210, driving his own personal…ah, are you shitting me? There’s no way that car’s his.  We’ve been unable to confirm whether Madura stole the car from a nearby neighborhood or…

Missing the Office…?

office-work-station-817456

I’m going through a bit of an experimental phase right now, career-wise. Much the same as when I first moved to New York City seven years ago at the ripe age of twenty, I’m following the winding road that is craigslist. I’ll focus on writing! But I should spend more time outside and pay my…

How to Get Your Husband to Listen

listen

According to an unreliable internet source, the average attention span of an American adult is about 90 seconds. However, I find that it really all depends on the subject matter. For example, my husband can remain enthralled for hours in discussions involving guns, jujitsu, foreign policy or the Miami Dolphins. But as soon as I…

Yesterday Nothing Happened

url

WASHINGTON – Bored-looking authorities in every corner of the nation mustered up the energy to announce on Wednesday that absolutely nothing had happened, anywhere. Yawning news anchors and tired-sounding radio announcers proclaimed languorously that this was officially the slowest news day on record, that the sale of Mel Gibson’s Malibu home was “old news,” that…

How to Survive: Officiating a Wedding (Specifically in New York City)

times-square-new-york-city-broadway-phot-shoot-photographer-wedding-bride-groom-night-evening-dip-intersection-42nd-street1

Qualifications (in two parts) Internet So you’ve been asked to officiate a wedding? Congratulations! This means your friends think you are somewhat organized and charismatic—or they at least think you’ll be able to speak in front of an audience without sweating too much. Regardless, this earns you bragging rights for a little while. “Oh, you…

Bronx Bombers Wrapping Up Yet Another Banner Year

mlb_a_yankees_mb_600

By: Toots O’Finn Beat Sports Reporter New York Daily Gazette-Dispatch Spirits are bright in the South Bronx as the Yankees organization is in the midst of putting the wraps on yet another banner year.  It would be impossible to catalog all of the highlights of the memorable 2013 season here, but your humble correspondent will…

Transcript of Recent Therapy Session

chair

Doc: How are you feeling today? Meg: Okay, I guess. Doc: Have you been working on what we talked about—doing things that make you happy? Meg: Not really. Doc: What did you do this weekend? Meg: Not much. It was too rainy. I did go for a drive on Sunday though. Doc: Was it a…

An Open Letter To My Sweaters

cozy-fashion-sweater-warm-winter-Favim.com-130619_large

Dear Cardigans, Let me first send my apologies to the other sweaters. Though I’ve seen a couple of you non-wool garments on a cool evening here and there, most of you have been stuck in the large plastic bin under my bed for months. We all know summer happens every year, but that doesn’t mean…

Family Dog Comes Out As Cat

puppersandneo

TACOMA, WA – After years of faithful service, the Mueller family’s loyal pet dog, Champ, a four-year-old St. Bernard, officially came out of the closet as a cat. The purebred made the announcement on Sunday as the family watched the Bears-Steelers football game. Standing in the hallway and vacillating, the courageous pooch finally walked into…

A Note to My Current Husband about His New Hobby

dummy_

Dear Husband, I know you work very hard and you are a great provider. For that, I thank you. And while I do want you to have interesting hobbies that you enjoy, your hobbies should not annoy the shit out of me. Unfortunately, your current hobby does. And if you don’t get rid of that…

Point/Counterpoint: My Future

Future

  A world of possibilities or a world of responsibilities? Here we have two sides of the same coin weigh in—Young Sara will be taking the side of the road most traveled (she’s a dreamer with a backup plan), while Old Sara is a bit more…scattered (but she’s still practical and responsible, ok?). Here we…

The Worst Days to Be Born

worst days to be born

My friend Mandy was born on the 4th of July. As a kid, she enjoyed the excitement of barbeques and fireworks that were “just for her.” But now that she’s a big girl, she knows the truth and is doomed to compete with Lady Liberty for a little attention. Each year she struggles to wrangle…

‘N Sync Says “Bye Bye Bye” to a Reunion Tour

3shy18

Rumors swirled of a possible reunion tour for NSYNC after Justin’s impressive VMA performance.  The boy band immediately jumped for the opportunity to tour again but encountered problems the second day of rehearsals.  The other members of the boy band were outraged when they realized they had to perform with Justin on stage for more…

Life Hecklers Encyclopedia, Abridged

hecklers

The following is an excerpt from the Life Hecklers Encyclopedia—a book used to describe those people who think it is their business to make comments about our lives on a daily basis, no matter how uninformed.   DEFINITION Life Heckler [lahyf hek–uh ler] noun a person you have never formally met who tells you what…

CDC Blames Bath & Body Works for Recent ‘Zombie’ Attack

warning

TAMPA,FL—After analyzing the recent attack of a young girl at a Bath & Body Works store, scientists have now theorized that food-scented cosmetics could be creating dangerous associations between food and the human body. The 12-year-old victim, Mandy Smith, was sampling new lotions at the Bath & Body Works in the International Mall when she…

How To Steal From a Movie Theater

MovieTheater_620_072012

Dear Movie Lovers, my sole purpose in writing this is to give you a leg up in the world today. Going to see flicks can quickly deplete your wallet, so I’ve come up with some ways to lighten the load. AKA, here’s how you rip off your local multiplex. I’m going to tap into the…

An Open Letter to the Occupants of 145 Alumni Row Regarding the Deplorable Condition of my Litter Box

three-legged-cat-776342

Dear Sirs: Some years ago, I arrived at 145 Alumni Row, disoriented and gravely injured after having been involved in a serious accident involving a large brush cutter that had been negligently operated by a member of the University’s grounds-keeping staff. Thankfully, your predecessors at this house took me in, provided me with some crude…

How To Stop Procrastinating

procrastinate

How to Stop Procrastinating This will certainly not come as a shock, but everyone procrastinates. Except for that 2% of people who are always productive and show up at least 15 minutes early to everything. But everyone hates those people, so don’t feel bad. For the rest of us, there is hope. Just follow these…

How to Survive a Diet

how to survive a diet

1. Tape pictures of Victoria’s Secret models on the refrigerator door. This will remind you of your goal and give you the willpower to not eat the Milky Way you have hidden in the crisper drawer. Tip: Choose models that look happy instead of ones with do-me eyes. This will be easier to explain to…

An Open Letter to Kanye and Kim AKA Kimye,

kimye-baby

 The nation is sure you’re both aware of the anticipation you’re holding everyone in, and frankly your continued concealment of North West is negatively affecting the state of our union. Promptly unveiling Prince George mere days after his birth, Will and Kate expeditiously upstaged Kimye and the U.S. by introducing their countrymen and women to…

An Open Letter to My Grocer

Grocery Store NYC

To Whom it May Concern: First, let me commend you. As grocery stores go, yours is among the best. The selection of produce, frozen foods, cheeses, and toiletries is unparalleled, especially since you offer these goods at such competitive prices. Sure, your location is somewhat inconvenient, which forces me to take my groceries on the…

Friends And Family Concerned About Chimp’s Bananaholism

Chimp eating-banana

CINCINNATI – Concerned friends and family of Nubbins, a fifteen-year-old chimpanzee at the Cincinnati Zoo, have recently registered deep concern over his excessive consumption of bananas. In the wake of several personal tragedies, including the accidental deflation of his favorite rubber ball and the loss of several key sleeping spots, Nubbins has reportedly sunk into…

Dating Etiquette: Some Tips for a New Relationship

date_night

My boyfriend recently moved in with me, which has caused a bit of reminiscing over those first days of dating. How far we’ve come! While I am fortunate enough to be in a committed long-term relationship that functions pretty well—communication, shared responsibilities, etc.—hindsight is 20/20 and love must be blind because I have no idea…

Point/Counterpoint: Disneyworld

Disneyland point counterpoint

Breeding ground for disease or the most magical place on earth? Here we have two sides of the same coin weigh in—Young Sara will be taking a stance against Disneyworld, while Old Sara will point out why Young Sara needs to just take a nap and get over herself (it turns out I was a…

Utter Neanderthal Uses Map

find-yourself-with-compass_fe

BURBANK, CA – The world watched in stunned disbelief on Thursday as an utterly backward human being used a compass and a map to find his destination instead of a GPS system. Timothy Lauer, 32, of Ventura, California, was spotted walking down First Street with an honest-to-God compass and what appeared to be a tourist…

The Art of Accepting Bribes

bribery

Yes, I accept bribes.  There I said it.  As a culture critic for a very influential website, my integrity can be bought and sold for the right price.  I say this because of the recent Kscandal Kinvolving a Kardashian.  Recently it was revealed that Kris Jenner, host of the new daytime talk show, Kris, was…

The Dark and Light Side of Rabble Rousing

Origonal Rabble Rousers

You may have noticed that there’s something happening here on the site. What it is ain’t exactly clear, but there has been a lot of action this summer from a complete redesign to signing on some new writers who, we must admit, are much more engaging to read than our original team of finger painting…

How to Survive: Being an Extra

Movie Extra

You’ve gotten a role in a major motion picture, congratulations! Though it’s not the most prestigious of parts, being an extra is still something to be proud of. You went through the rigorous casting process: seeing an ad on Craigslist, responding to that ad with your measurements and a picture of your face, having those…

Choosing the Right Pet for You

Crazy Pet

By Patti Maguire Armstrong Choosing a pet is not unlike choosing a spouse.  Actually, it’s exactly the same.  So when choosing a pet, consider evaluating it for compatibility in much the same manner. Will your two personalities mesh until death do you part? Keep in mind that un-bonded pit bulls and some partners hasten this…

An Open Letter To My Gym

Lucille Roberts

I’m sorry, but I thought we were in Zumba to get some exercise, not watch some solo sex choreography. Dear Lucille Roberts, Let me please preface this by clarifying: this is a letter for Lucille Roberts the lady gym, not Lucille Roberts the lady. I repeat—this is for the company not the individual. The Internet…

Tempo Friends Encyclopedia, Abridged

friends-fingers

The following is an excerpt from the Tempo Friends Encyclopedia—a book used to describe those people who come in an out of our lives on a daily basis and manage to make an impression, however brief. Tempo Friend [tem-poh frend] noun a person you only know for a short period of time; also referred to…

Bald Eagle Announces Retirement as America’s National Symbol

Bald Eagle Retires

KODIAK, ALASKA – The majestic bald eagle, the fish-eating bird native to Alaska, Canada, the contiguous United States, and northern Mexico and the symbol of America since 1782, announced its retirement on Wednesday. “I gotta tell ya, I had a good run,” the raptor commented from its nest of sticks on a rock promontory overlooking…

The Cost of Independence

5th of July

I am writing to you from the wilds of Independence Day Hangover. By the time you read this, there’s no telling what shape I’ll be in. I’ve heard tell, however, that year after year people try to travel to this faraway land. Perhaps you are already planning a trip for 2014? Thusly, I will share…