Promptly unveiling Prince George mere days after his birth, Will and Kate expeditiously upstaged Kimye and the U.S. by introducing their countrymen and women to the land’s newest and tiniest ambassador of status, putting us eons behind in the competition to lead the world in pop culture.
Let’s be honest, our role in Middle Eastern conflicts, climate change, health care and cities filing bankruptcy are all subpar issues in comparison to how your celebrity baby is dressed and reared.
Forget the 911 investigation, Monsanto or whatever happened to those elusive weapons Eric Holder was pegged for, the nation needs to know where pictures of your baby girl are! Now that the fuss around the kid’s namesake being a direction on a compass has subsided, it’s time to reveal her cute little multi-cultured face.
And Kim, please realize deploying a picture of you sticking out your tongue through a sexy, duck-like face does not suffice for seeing your offspring. The public has been exposed to more sets of lips on your body than we’d like to admit, and now that you’re a mom it’s time to grow up and assert your civic duty. If America is ever going to surpass Great Britain, or any other foreign power for that matter, baby North’s mug better start plastering newsstands and fast. Here’s why.
Clearly celebrities and their offspring are emblematic of every country’s value system, what they hope to give back to the world and how they treat their citizens. Will your baby be wearing Ralph Lauren or something from Kanye’s clothing line to elicit true patriotism, or perhaps Burberry as a nod to foreign policy and global acceptance? Will her eyes be open as a sign of good things to come, or shut casting a shadow on our economic future, as baby North is of course our new groundhog in forecasting what’s to fiscally come of us. Will her precious headband complete with one of those oversize flowers, that make a child look as though a tumor is protruding from their head, be couture or handmade? All these burning questions are crucial to national affairs, and it’s time for us to see our miniature princess of free will and democracy in photographic form.
Young North’s photo will provide the necessary propaganda needed to remind of us of our materialistic priorities, our fascination with fame and wealth, the importance of idolizing those we will never know in real-life and how much we immortalize celebrity status. After devouring every magazine and meme she’s embedding, we as a people will be revitalized in the work place after laying eyes on your child and reminded of our emphatic need for capitalistic perpetuation. As a result of the hard work, people will quickly be shopping online to buy whatever you, North and Kanye are wearing, the stroller you pushed North around in and the type of formula she spits up after being weaned off of breast implant-infused milk, further stimulating consumerism and the eventual rise of GDP.
So, for the sake of our nation and the betterment of the people, we must finally see baby North. Liberty, justice and the pursuit of inferiority to the famous while trying to gain our own wealth and worth depend on it!
The United States of America