Toots O'Finn

Toots O'Finn

Toots O’Finn spent his typical, suburban childhood collecting baseball cards, riding bikes and doing terrible things to toads with firecrackers. In high school, Toots ran cross-country, a sport that capitalized on his complete lack of athletic ability coupled with his high tolerance for punishing, yet ultimately pointless exercise. (This tolerance also served him well during his dating years in college.) Toots attended a four-year college that neither he nor his parents could remotely afford where, unencumbered by an aptitude for any productive field of study, Toots made the obvious choice to major in English. Upon graduation, Toots received a diploma and a booklet of student loan payment tickets that will follow him around into his seventies. As an English major, Toots found himself with few options other than three more years of schooling, a law degree, and even more crushing debt. Upon completing this short bio, Toots now wishes he could go back and do things all over again, which of course he cannot. He would like to thank the editors of for requiring him to go through this painful exercise. Toots is now going to drink as many beers as he finds in his refrigerator and then go to bed for a very long time.

Bronx Bombers Wrapping Up Yet Another Banner Year


By: Toots O’Finn Beat Sports Reporter New York Daily Gazette-Dispatch Spirits are bright in the South Bronx as the Yankees organization is in the midst of putting the wraps on yet another banner year.  It would be impossible to catalog all of the highlights of the memorable 2013 season here, but your humble correspondent will…

An Open Letter to the Occupants of 145 Alumni Row Regarding the Deplorable Condition of my Litter Box


Dear Sirs: Some years ago, I arrived at 145 Alumni Row, disoriented and gravely injured after having been involved in a serious accident involving a large brush cutter that had been negligently operated by a member of the University’s grounds-keeping staff. Thankfully, your predecessors at this house took me in, provided me with some crude…