Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong

Aaron Armstrong feels very powerful when writing about himself in third person. He has started writing screenplays, novels, and a Highlander Rock Opera. He has been foiled in seeing these works reach their completion by acute voluntary carpal tunnel and the fact that he does not own the rights to Highlander. He currently resides in St Paul, MN, because he is frightened of sharks and wants to be as far away from the ocean without actually moving to space. He can be reached at amaguirea@gmail.com.

I Can Quit Making Beetles Whenever I Want

God and Beetles

By God Look, I don’t think it was necessary for you guys to spring this intervention on me. I am the creator of the universe, the maker of all things. The planets, the trees, the narwhale–I made all that shit. Now, have I also made around 5 million different species of beetles? Yes, but if…

Rick Santorum Vows to Continue Saying ‘Totally Crazy Shit’

Baton Rouge, Louisiana– After his recent primary victories in Kansas, Mississippi, and Alabama, Rick Santorum renewed the pledge he’s made to his supporters since his campaign begin, “I am going to continue to say totally messed up, crazy shit.” “The conservative base has spoken,” Santorum proclaimed to a cheering crowd at a campaign stop in…

After Obama Press Conference, Republicans Announce Unconditional Support for Iran’s Nuclear Program

Washington, D.C. – Following a press conference from President Obama, where the commander-in-chief stated that nothing was off the table in regard to stopping Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons, Republican leaders have surprised many Washington insiders by abruptly announcing their support for Iran’s nuclear weapons program. “After carefully reviewing the situation, we believe that Iran,…