An Open Letter to PepsiCo Regarding The Strength of Your Product

poison_pepsi

Dear PepsiCo,
First off, thank you for your wonderful products. I have been drinking one bottle of Pepsi every day since it first came out, in 1898. I have been with you, and any changes you have made. I’ve even visited your factory in Purchase, New York, three different times, in 2002, 1977 and 1905, respectively.

But I am a subtle man, who enjoys the simple pleasures of chess, Ron Howard movies, discussing the War of 1812 and Ross King books. I was at a local Sheetz, buying gas for my vintage Daewoo and a month’s supply of beef jerky, only to find that they were fresh out of Pepsi. And, since my religion condemns diet drinks as a mortal sin, I was left with Pepsi Wild Cherry. Let me say, that drink was just too wild for me. I vomited in the parking lot the second that explosion of homicidal cherry mutilated my taste buds. I had to wash out the flavor with some of the emergency scotch I keep in the glove compartment.

This does not mean I plan to stop drinking Pepsi products for the remainder of my life. I would like to recommend, however, an alternative to this Wild Cherry thing. I’m sure the kids like a genocidal blast of grenadine up in their mouths, but I prefer a smoother flavor, like cherry-flavored red wine. I would much prefer a lighter cola. Perhaps, if I may, “Pepsi Tame Cherry,” or “Pepsi Subdued Cherry”? Maybe even “Normal Pepsi With Just A Hint of…Oh, What Is It?”

Since I am not legally allowed to have a job, I have thought about how to make this drink. For a more subtle flavor, use only 24% of the cherry used in the more dangerous version. Also, use only 16 grams of carbohydrates and 18 grams of sugar, as opposed to 29 and 29. (And if possible, knock down the calories so there is an alternative to a “diet” version, without actually being called “diet” so the Overlord doesn’t sentence me to a year of punishment!)

Your friend and loyal customer,

(Former) Professor McDonald

P.S. If you could tell the Sheetz at 9 Water Street to please keep their Pepsis stocked, or I’ll burn it down with all the employees locked inside. Thanks!

Andrew Mcnally

Andrew Mcnally

Andrew McNally graduated from Hofstra University, thinking his creative writing degree was going to have some sort of worth. He got his comedy writing start there, writing absurdist fictional articles for a magazine that reached maybe a few dozen viewers. Between freelancing for newspapers, blogs and comedy outlets, he is trying to make enough of a living to move from suburban Boston to New York City. When he's not annoying his friends with puns, bad jokes and movie references too subtle for them to understand, he's blogging about music, writing jokes and 'engaging' in social media by spending too much time online. He eats a lot of pasta. 

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