An Open Letter To My Plastic Surgeon

Dear Dr. Débaclé,

I am writing to you in the hopes that we can settle the matter of you seriously botching the surgery I had with you. I don’t think we need to bring attorneys or health insurance companies into this as long as I never have to work again.  Also, I think you’ll agree that you owe me some major free plastic surgery to correct your pyramid sized goofs that took place while I was under. Below I have listed a sampling of those “goof ups.” The only thing I can think of is you were drunk?

1. First there is the matter of my breast augmentation. While it’s fine and generous craftsmanship, there is the issue of me not having “ordered” a breast augmentation. So unless you our planning on buying me a whole new wardrobe from the waist up, I’d like to go back to plan A.

2. It’s very subtle, but I’ve been comparing pictures of my nose from before the surgery with now and it seems like you did something to my nose. Did you do something to my nose? What did you do to my nose Dr?

3. Spock ears, Dr.? Not only will these be removed but I’ll be expecting an out of court settlement check for an ammount that you feel is worth me not getting your medical liscence revoked and your ass jailed.

4. Worst of all Dr. is not my one webbed toe, or new belly button piercing, but the fact that the mole you were supposed to remove, the one reason I was having surgery, is still there. And I Google’d it Dr., you don’t need anestesia to have a mole removed. What the hell is wrong with you?

I expect a very prompt response with some very good reasons why I don’t bring some governing and protective bodies into this conversation.

-Your concerned patient